The whole dodgeball craze confuses me. It was sort of an OK game growing up but now that it's spawned movies and a television game show I have to say I don't get it. If they ever make a Heads Up 7 Up trilogy or Saturday afternoon Rim Scatter on ABC then, maybe, I'll be into it.

Today I read that sometime in February a youth minister kicked a teenaged player in the privates for beaning him in the heat of battle. I can only imagine that the good minister is now ensconced in the world of telemarketing. Or porn.


Currently Dialing For Jesus

Is there a lesson in all of this? Buy an Xbox. Don't poke the bear in the zoo and don't kick a kid in the nuts because he's a better dodgeball player than you.

It pays to stay home and be stupid. If you become a doctor and try to help Africans realize they don’t need to contract AIDS, your reward is becoming brain food for a reptile. Even the title CNN gave it is pretty good.

On a glorious side note, the Purple One still makes pancakes in the hills after he beats people at basketball.

You know what else? It’s spring! Fuck!

If you want to watch a tasty new video by Mr. Liam Sullivan and watch me play a robot and a security guard, click HERE right now.

I decided to stop in the small cigar shop downtown here,
and walk the Nicollet Mall enjoying the Spring-like air.
It's fucking 54 degrees!

No sundresses quite yet, but they will be on their way soon
in a month, and then I will walk slower.

You gotta get down.

My site is down. I was attempting to do a literary tribute to the Duke Lacrosse team. Something got all messed up with my files and then my site crashed. I have been in touch with someone smarter who is attempting to bring it back online before May. Sorry if you wanted to see the unedited version of Food Photographer but it will be available before too long and for free.

The Owner

R.I.P. Principal Richard Vernon

click on these, bitches:
Get The Horns
Crackin' Skulls

Following weeks of turmoil and bloodshed and with no diplomatic resolution in sight, the UN has authorized a unique and untested battle tactic.
As hopes fade for an end to the de-stabilization of the Middle East, the UN proposed an option to a distinguished panel of international leaders that the time had come for a "full-on assault" of Lebanon.
Pressed to elaborate on this statement, Secretary-General Kofi Annan added:
"It is with a determined and united will that I present to you a mobilization that will shake Hezbollah to it's very foundation. Send in the KISS Army!"


Our Leaders

Brigadier General Gene "Demon" Simmons is acting as a joint leader in what has come to be known in military circles as "Operation Destroyer".
As intelligence floods in from the desert region in the south of Lebanon the core members of the offensive have made final preparations for their ground assault on major infrastructure. Captain P. Criss acknowledged earlier reports that he is "...totally pumped about rockin' the Kasbah, brother".
Field analysis of the campaign has been assigned to veteran Captain "Ace" Frehley who was on a plane at press time headed for a classified drop.


Operation Destroyer

Rounding out the leadership of the blitz is Lieutenant P. Stanley whose well modulated tenor voice was broadcast for thousands of soldiers in the KISS Army giving them necessary war time motivation in what could be their most critical hour:
"Let me hear ya!" began Lt. Stanley, "We gotta make some noise, you hear what I'm saying? What? I said, what? What? I can't hear you. We're gonna show Hezbollah we can rock n' roll all night!"
The invasion is on a schedule to be completely withdrawn from Lebanon by September 1st, 2006. But Lt. Stanley has qualified those reports by saying,
"You let us do our thing and watch the KISS Army take this shit over to Iraq, Saudi Arabia and maybe even North Korea since they're in the mood for some fuckin' groove mothafuckas. Alright!"

Tucking in my shirt is a chore. You know the guys who wear polo shirts tucked into their jeans with their belts and cell phones neatly exposed? That look just eats at me and really I have no style sense of my own but I know what seems visibly wrong when I look at something. Where did that look come from? It even bugs me to tuck in a dress shirt.
These are suicide Tuesdays. The best thing I did was NOT drink last night so I could avoid the headache today.
My bed smells like aloe. I got this sunburn Saturday trying to match my shoulders and chest to my farmer’s tan. Then last night at three thirty in the morning I felt this weird itching and not in the usual place so I grabbed the green aloe vera spray bottle and gave myself a respectable spritz. It’s not a bad smell but I heard there was urine in aloe vera sprays. Or a urine by-product. That could be a rumor, you know, like the rumor that more homeless people drown themselves annually in the Los Angeles Resoviour than get killed in all of LA county?

You get those stubs with the fine print when you park your car in a lot or with the valet. That fine print mentions they aren’t going to be responsible for stolen or damaged property. These are usually colored stubs with a number on them and a statement and you give it back to the parking guy when you’re done eating or shopping or working, etc. OK. We take our chances. And let me mention that although this could have been much worse I don't know how it could have been more annoying. My rear license was stolen yesterday from where I park for work. Along with the bolts that fasten the thing in.
Maybe it was for the registration stickers maybe it was for fun or maybe it's because I want to post my Happily Challenged Chef video on my site this week. You masters of Karma can work that out or just ask Secret Jesus.
It was $16 to get new plates at the DMV. My parking lot guys, of course, saw nothing. And I was put on hold last night for fifteen minutes when I decided to report it to LAPD's non-emergency number. I informed the officer if I was wasting his time reporting the plate stolen he should hang up on me. He didn's. It actually sounded like he was bored because then we talked for a few minutes on the different precincts around town and who should have transferred me where. He was upset because people were sending him a lot of calls that he couldn't process and that led to longer hold times which led to people coming down on him. The last thing you want is to be on the phone with a mad cop so I humored him and tried my best to express genuine concern. I asked if the police now emailed people copies of their reports on pdf, you know, to save the trip going down to the station or the postage.
You can imagine the can of worms I opened with that one. He did one of those fake laughs that isn't really a laugh at all but people do it to show you that they know where you’re coming from and agree but are frustrated because they've thought of it and it doesn't get implemented or whatever...you know what kind of laugh I mean. He assured me after several minutes of fake laughter and making my skin crawl that emailing with pdf was one of the last things that was going to be a priority for the LAPD.
Next he gave me the speech that more citizens should do as I was doing and report their plates stolen. Then he took a sip of something and lightly disguised a belch as he thanked me for calling.
All in all it was good to know that some policeman are regular human beings just doing their desk jobs at 8:45 on a Monday night.
Like I wrote, the whole deal could have been a lot worse but not a lot more annoying. And the good people at the DMV on Hope this AM were great and fast and as nice as you could expect seeing as they do what they do for whom they do it..for?
Until the next misdemeanor-

Lucas should have gone down in a plane crash in 1983 after Jedi was released.

Please join us in a moment of hip-hop, as we commemorate Jesus' historic return from Mt. Olympus that started and ended the Indian Civil War.

pretty and stinky
she's stacked and hairy like tram
gotta have my pops

Crossing the street means looking both ways, not shooting daggers both ways, unless you're in Boston, when you cross without looking and you make sure you NEVER look, so that the drivers think you don't see them, and they brake. The immigrant lane is called Wet Back Street, and it's paved with broken dreams.

anal smorgasbord

feisty duckie, say my name

don't you want me, too?

De La Hoya or Hopkins?

Hey all. I love the Planet Ric site so much it made me lose my job. I worked at the checker plant mixing paint. I asked if I could be on the Planet Ric staff and he pushed me. He pushed me on my arm. I hate Ric. He's sort of cute but I will eat him if he gets too close. I live with my Mom.

I'm driving to work this morning, hungover and angry when I spy a billboard on Olympic Blvd. 2 glaring male models hugging, one resting his cheek on the other. The caption reads "we didn't come out to die of lung cancer". The number is 1-800-NO BUTTS. I am not making that up. Now, I'm not the lesbian I was in the 70's, but that made me smile weakly as I dribbled soggy bran muffin into my impressive cleavage.

I'm with hurtynuts about the pet names. But you already knew that because that shitnik Ric wrote about me protesting his censorship. Also, he had just delivered a hot lunch on my chest.

For some of 2003 I served as elected Secretary for the LA Greens. I took the minutes and then had them posted on a web site. I am a registered member of the Green Party. I would go to the meetings once a month, take a lot of notes, go home, drink a bottle of wine and type out really whatever came into my head along with brief descriptions of what actually happened that night. Let me say this again so you don't think I'm exaggerating: I would drink an entire bottle of wine (2-buck Chuck from T-Joes) before I started typing. Then the next day my minutes would be on the web. People told me they were funny, yes. People told me I was actually getting more people to come to the meetings, true. And some concerned members of my family told me I was becoming an alcoholic.
I went to my first LA Greens meeting the night that our current administration decided to wage war on Iraq.
That was the last straw. I was frustrated with the guys behind the DC scenes blending church and state. I was tired of hearing Mr. Bush fumble for words even when reading the teleprompter. I hated that the world hated the US due to reneging on those treaties. And that the new war on terrorism was going to cost more money and more innocent lives than the old and ongoing war on drugs. And I was also in need of a girlfriend...but that will be another post.
I had Kerry picked from the beginning. Really. Ask my Aunt. He was a true politician and a Mass-hole. Kerry, to this day, is middle of the road enough to make the average "left" american think he's a safe choice while the educated "left" american knows that Kerry is a guy who can and will be bought on any issue. That's what my definition is of a true politician. Middle of the road, seems great but with a price tag tucked carefully under the lapel. Mr. Bush is not a true politician and I am not voting for him. I am voting for Kerry. I even made calls to the country of Florida one afternoon to make sure those old people were registered to vote. I'm not even a democrat. And I will never be afraid enough to be a republican. No thank you Mr. Rove, see you at Ponderosa?
This November, if you are one of the ten people reading this blog, go and vote for Kerry. And I think Edwards may surprise the hell out of everyone with his leadership.
Do I think Kerry will actually win? I have no clue. Do I want him to? Very much. Why? Here's what I think of our big guy from Texas. Mr. Bush, the man, the actual human male under the suit, is just not smart enough to come up with nor understand the domestic and foreign policies which are currently in place. And I won't knock him personally. I'm not that bright either. You sort of feel bad because he has the reverse-Midas syndrome. He needs to go watch the Rangers play and watch his daughters have families and tell his grand kids that if they do cocaine they shouldn't get caught.
But Bush's people? Good old Dick, Don and Karl? These are weird old men who act like eleven year olds. "Wage war on this, multi-national that, Jesus would change water into oil, I can make more money than you, nobody ever really dies, ow my heart hurts, I didn't get hugged enough..." These are the guys that need to fade away and who we are really voting out in November.
We are a young country and now is the time to grow up. If you're worried about taxes, get a good, creative accountant next March and start cheating like the rest of us.

I have no problem with the "pet names" because he’s not talking about me. I am about as white and straight as Matt Damon's teeth. There may be some slope in my ancestry, but (thank Confucious) I can now pass.

I censored Kenz for a few hours by inserting little stars inside the "pet" names he used in his post. Then Sneak lodged a complaint with me for editing Kenz and made me do a gut check on the freedom of speech thing and I decided if readers have an issue they can take it up with the author himself. Hell, our guy in the white house sent a bunch of young kids to die for something that didn't even exist and I'm going to edit some words? And words I didn't even write? F-that. Do I have a concern with the content of the Gay Boyfriend post? Yes. Yes I very much do. Kenz uses too many verbs.

It just doesn't pay to be an ethnic minority anymore. Time was, if you were a slope, coon, wetback, or timber nigger seeking higher education, universities would bend over backwards to get you in their door. You didn't even have to be able to spell your own name, and the more prestigous institutions were dishing out mad dollars to meet their quotas. Not so nowadays. The chances of me, an asian-american, getting any financial aid for grad school are dismally slim.
But, if you’ve been following the news, then you know where the money's going. Alyn Libman, an aspiring civil rights attorney, just received The Point Foundation's $15,000/year LGBT-specific scholarship to attend the college of his/her choice simply because repeated beatings and years of ridicule prompted her decision to become a boy. (You can read the whole charming story here: http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/nation/2793407) GAY SCHOLARSHIPS! That’s the ticket to a prosperous future. Several organizations offer special aid packages to prospective students based on sexual orientation.
Now, I'm no faggot. Truth be told, my libido is more powerful than that of Sandra Bernhard and that chick from Lost in Translation combined, so voracious is my appetite for the pussy. I'll even rape a bitch. But I did experiment years ago with Ric on several occasions, and you know he a fag. Ask him about our weekly (sometimes nightly) "jam sessions" during the summers '86-'88. Ask him about the time he brought me a James Dean poster on my 14th birthday. Defy him to deny that Filipino chowder is the creamiest. Those scars on his thighs aren't from any "Fudboard".
My point is only this: He owes me. After all I’ve done for his hairy Italian ass and mouth holes, he could step up to the plate. I’m not willing to lop off my genitals in order to qualify for the massive and trendy financial aid packages, but if marrying my boyhood lover will further my education, then I hope he'd have the decency to propose like a real man. Do the honorable thing, Ric. It’s not like we haven’t talked about it before. We don’t even have to act gay. Have to. Governor MacGreevey would do it for that urine-colored fellow. I bet he could go to any school he wanted to. MARRY ME.

Who has a good recipe for hurricane’s? I don’t need a blender, do I?

Baby Bird is MIA. He was last seen with this guy doing their routine from Mean Streets. How do you get to the mountains from here? Practice my boy, practice.

selfish hedonists?

masterful cunnilingus!

black ass alan keyes

"OOOOHHHHHHH, who's the baby? Who's the baby? Huh? HUH? Yeah! YEAH! Liam, look at the baby, isn't she cute? Why aren't you excited about the baby? Hey, proud Mommy, do you mind if I let the doggies in? Is the baby going to be OK with that? You have doggies too? I think doggies are perfect for babies, they love each other, don't they? They're so cute when they play, here they come, WHO'S A GOOD DOGGIE? GOOD DOGGIE! GOOD DOGGIE! Liam, aren't the doggies cute? Why aren't you petting the doggies? LOOK AT THE DOGGIE, BABY! WHO'S THE BABY? WHO'S THE DOGGIE? No, doggie, no, no, let the baby go, doggie, DOGGIE, LET THE BABY GO, SHIT, DOGGIE, NO, NO, NO, NO, DOGGIE, NO, NO, BAD DOGGIE, BAD DOGGIE, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

Shhh. Here, at last, the proper vehicle for Kenz's life's work. If the meat gods send approval, Kenz will begin to post a regular haiku, every one in some way about Rix. It itches, do not touch yet.

Ten days into September. Only so many shopping days before Xmas. You think Dan Rather’s lying?

I had cranberry juice today and it's leaking from my nuts. I think it's supposed to be good for your urinary tract, but it's just going right to my nuts. It's seeping through my sac skin into my white (some yellow) underpants. Here's what frightens me: guns, a snake, and finding blood in my shorts. Only it's not blood, it's cranberry juice, but I didn't know that when I was checking my nuts for lumps, so I made a sound from my mouth and I probably should've waited to check my nuts for lumps until after my coffee date with "Katie", I mean, she asked me what I thought about those new intelligent keys in cars now and I realized I hadn't done that in a while and my doctor told me I have to roll my nuts between my thumb and forefinger and I thought, this is a great doctor, so I took everything out right there in "Starbuck's" and started rolling, because you have to do those things when you think of them or you'll never do them, and I saw it and I screamed out, "There's red on my nuts! There’s red on my nuts!" about 80 times. Then a John Laroquette-look-a-like barista asked me to leave. I'll never go back to that dump, anyhow; coffee makes everyone's shit loose and no one wants to admit it. I like my shit beefy. Now I'm eating Triscuits.

Your Mom is stupid. I hate her. She won't let you play at my house because I'm poor. Her voice is stupid. I think her name's something with an N and an E in it and that's stupid. And your dad is dumb. Your mom didn't like me listening to Styx really loud in your family room and I bet she thinks I'm the devil because I have brown eyes. And I wish the phone cord would choke her. I hope you don’t have hair soon. And you have to put your stupid mom in a home in forty years because she gets that one awful disease where you forget things but I won’t feel bad if your mom gets that. Your last name is spelled funny too just like mine so don't make fun and your dog's probably retarded like the kids they wheel in for music class who I try not to laugh at and have to share my music book with, especially that one girl who kicks and I have to pinch my jeans so I don't get yelled at. I'll get other friends and start the biggest game of tag at recess and I bet I get Jenny to like me before you. Don't be angry because I had my growth spurt before you. You're a dummy. And I'm going to lift my dad's weights and not eat so many fruit pies and you're going to see a wolf in my eyes before I bust you but I am going to bust your stupid mom first and when you move town I will not give you a paper clip like I gave Shane. Yours Truly, Me at age 8.

If you’re like me you’re at your computer right now wondering how much money you spread out over credit cards in a city where you can’t tell up from down and now you have some weird feeling in your throat that means you drank too much and slept too little and will happily be sick for the next week. Thanks to Baby Bird, Seth, the good people at The Cocktail Room, Sepatown and a cast of stars too numerous to mention. Stars, I say! Oh, and the makers of Ambien so I didn’t notice the 5.5 hour plane ride back to hell...

Just saw your site. I don’t like it. I’ll tell you why.

My Jesus isn’t secret. When a band of virile, spanky thugs confronts me on the street threatening to break my behymen, my Jesus takes the lode for me. My Jesus doesn't hide in cabinets or parcels. My Jesus keeps my cabinets filled with nourishing Altria Group food products. He makes sure that the Wells Fargo Wagon brings my raisins from Fresno.

I think your explicit attempt to subvert the gospel of Mary Stevenson’s ©1984 poem, Footprints in the Sand (click here) will have eternal repercussions for your immortal soul. My Jesus may forgive you if you purchase Ms. Stevenson’s biography for $7.95 + $3 S&H at footprints-inthe-sand.com.

I know why you have engaged in this blasphemy. I have seen the furniture stores in your neighborhood, bursting at the seams with graven images of heathen multi-headed, multi-armed, multi-breasted "gods." Idolatry! Blasphemy! Don't believe what they say! If you let them into your heart, the terrorists win! President Cheney has sent us to WAR to defend the integrity of our Christian nation. Do you think he or my Jesus appreciate your little wiseacre video program? Well, the answer is NO!

Fortunately there is still time. Take the few precious moments of sentience you still have and bathe in the healing blood of my Jesus. Need a recipe? Go here. You must completely immerse yourself in it– you don't want any spiritual Achilles' Heels dragging you down to hell. Sorry. I didn't mean to blaspheme. Greek polytheism is sin, and I only refer to them for the purposes of my divinely-inspired analogy.

May my Jesus have mercy on your soul.

Amen.

Summer's gone. Big deal. My buddy in Germany was interested in buying a seasheep. And he knows good and well that international trade laws and by-laws of import/export are warped these days. And have you ever dealt with a seasheep in transport? They punch.
It will be a bittersweet weekend for The Owner in the Big Apple this weekend. Loving to get to see Baby Bird’s old and new digs and imbibe at Blockheads. Can't wait to drop ambien on the jumbo jet and see how that all goes. But I can’t make an OTB on my Trojan squad after first quarter at Ship Of Fools. Hey Seth, THAT would have been a weekend. But it's not in the cards. Something to do with those Domers and Cougers and schedules Oh My. I'm blaming it on the current administration. Take your chances over the next 80 hours.

Boston won the world series. Boston won the world series? Boston won the world series. I suppose this should give everyone hope. I suppose this should make everyone know the impossible is very much possible. I suppose this should make us believe that all the US polls and news programs telling us Mr. Bush will win this election are not true and that Kerry will indeed be elected this Tuesday.
I want my car back from the body shop. They’ve had it for 2 weeks. It’s a 96 pick-up and these guys are supposed to be pimpin' it out. New paint, tune-up, new cover for the flat bed. That car has been across this great land of ours and I was quite proud of it until that dick Daniel Thieson stole it last month. But LAPD got him. Once again may he be man-raped weekly in prison and thrown in the industrial clothes dryer. Did I mention he got me a parking ticket after he stole it? That’s just insulting. Comical actually. I bet he laughed all the way to his mug shot.
Anyway, time seems to have slowed down to a crawl here. So here’s the contest. PLEASE write me an article for my Planet Ric site under the name of Daniel Thieson. Write about your likes and dislikes. Write about the adventures you had in my car. Include a picture if you want. Write about anything that Daniel Thieson would write about and let’s give this guy a column until the end of time. The deadline is tomorrow since this month will get automatically archived come Monday morning. Salud!

Did you guys read about the weatherman in Florida who got busted trying to hook up with a 14 year old boy? I linked to it off of Drudge. Authorities found 2 condoms and a squirt gun in the guy’s car. Yes.

PBS is taking a poll on gay marriage for Bill Moyers' show. http://www.pbs.org/now/polls/poll_036.html
It’s just one question, and they don’t let you write in that you think gay marriage should be allowed only if you’ve been married to a member of the opposite sex already but then suddenly turned gay just to avoid an ugly homosexual harrassment suit that would end your political career.

I look in my bulk mail folder and see that Vikki KNOWS I’m a real man. 'Scuse me, Vikki but did you happen to notice my vagina? Thanks. Also, regarding increasing my penis size, please see also: Vagina. I’m a pretty girl. Pretty pretty pretty girl. Good girl. Pretty.

Baseball is a boring game when you’re sober. Last night I was not in the mood to be bored. Last night history was made. But it’s not last night anymore. It’s Thursday. And on Thursday or really any work day I usually want to fall asleep between 2 and 3pm. I know. I know. This isn’t Italy. I should embrace the sixty minutes between 2 and 3pm. Nah. Somebody build me a robot.

East Coast bias? Not as far as I’m concerned. Not when you beat Sun Devils like Saturday. So I’m writing this while I still can. My team is number one in the polls, the bcs and in the whole stupid wide world. Couldn’t say that when I was there but better late than never.
And it was nice to see the ‘we don’t need no stinking badgers’ coming out on top after a close one.

Oh. And vote Kerry.

Shame on youse who didn’t see Team America: World Police over the weekend. Perhaps you do not understand the severity of the situation: Shark Tales is still number one at the box office.

Anybody read the transcripts on smoking gun? Maybe the right finally found their Slick Willy? The phone sex part, true or not, cracks me up because he got all excited after he did a good show and then decided to have a go at himself on the phone while he talked to a female employee. Why can’t people just own their kinkiness? Cowards.

November 2nd. That’s when we vote and I still have no idea which way this is gonna swing. The majority of the folks who read this blog/site won’t stand for 4 More Years. That’s the way I feel, too. If it turns out Kerry molested and shot Vietnamese children in seventy villages I’d still vote for him over that twerp from Texas.
And when I read that my birth state is considered a swing state this time around it makes my flesh crawl...sort of like when I watched the Packer’s defense last night.
In other developments LAPD caught and arrested the genius who stole my car two weeks ago from a valet parking lot. Said genius claimed he knew me and told a detective he “borrowed” the car from me. Isn’t that great? This guy was on probation so here’s to someone in the big house finding him very very attractive. The guy’s name is Daniel Thieson although I am not sure if that is the correct spelling of his last name. Too bad Dan and I never met. I may send him a Christmas card now though.
After he took my car I became ill, stressed, broke out in a rash and spoke with my insurance guys and the LAPD guys and the DMV guys way too much. Was this life threatening? Nah. Annoying? Very. Who steals a 1996 pickup that carried my drums for years and years? Answer? Dan “The Man” Thieson. But they caught him! They caught him and arrested him and now my car is at a body shop getting the twice over so it can be repaired. Actual justice. I guess the undesired man-rape of Dan would be actual justice but I’ll take what I can get.

It’s nice having the number one college football team in the country...again.

Danger: Controversial Political Statement Enclosed!!!

Ladies,

Since many have boycotted Heinz food products, I will not be eating any bush until Bush has been voted out of office. If that means until 2008, then so be it. I realize that there is no connection between bush and Bush, save the word itself, and that one is a pussy, and the other is a vagina, and that many cheap jokes and slogans have been made at the president’s expense (see above), but I am making this stand nonetheless.

Others have criticized my action, saying “that ugly little queer...couldn’t get laid by a hen” (Uncle Randy) and “I have a boyfriend already” (Jennifer ? from The Grove last Tuesday), but none of this has deterred me. I will not eat any bush.

I am quite serious, ladies. If any of you were thinking about going out with me, you should know that I won’t back down from not eating your bush. I’m serious. Just dare me to do it. Go ahead. Especially blonde ladies.

If you don’t have the courage to dare me to not go down on you, think about it this way: you had better get the vote out, because I think a lot of men, when they hear about my movement, will join me. No bush for no Bush. Four more years takes on a whole different meaning. (It will mean four more years of no one eating your bush.)

For the record, I will continue to fuck bush, because I do like that idea, and I will continue to perform rim jobs, unless the president hires someone actually named “Asshole”.

Join me!

Al Rothschild

P.S. Lesbians involved in making pornography: please do not listen to me.

Has it come to this? I’m going to write about my Monday night softball game. There’s got to be something else? Come on. A softball game? So there was another softball game last night for we Gentlemen Ballers and we lost again. 13-12. But this time it was different. We almost came back and won. In an effort to get out of my 2 week hitting slump (and in a nod to Johnny Damon) I decided to swing at every first pitch I was thrown no matter what. That ball could have landed halfway between me and the mound and I would have run out and taken a swat. It yielded some tasty results. I went 3-4 with I don’t know how many RBI’s.
And I owned left field. The magnet was turned on high for some reason and nobody even got extra bases if they hit my way. And a few unlucky souls who popped up to me met a quick demise. I couldn’t even wait to get home to beat off!
And in other sports news, my favorite football team annihilated the evil, mean, green, fighting jesus freaks on Saturday eve. Still number one. At least for another 4 days. Didn’t get much sleep this weekend but I got a lot of alcohol to go with the beginnings of a sinus infection.

There’s got to be something to be thankful for? Even if it’s just getting the day off of work.

"A 13-year old Virginia Beach boy is being held at the Virginia Beach Detention Center after police say he abducted an exotic dancer last Tuesday night.

According to officials, the dancer showed up at a pre-arranged appointment at a residence - subsequently discovered to be vacant - in the 700 block of South Rosemont Road around 6:30pm.

The woman noticed the client was a juvenile, but was told that the contract was for his older brother. Police say the woman waited for a while, but no one else showed up.

Authorities say when the woman eventually tried to leave the residence, she was stopped by the juvenile who pointed a shotgun at her and ordered her to dance."

This 13 year old southern kid tells a stripper to show up at an abandoned home and points a gun at her. My guess is he wanted her to jiggle for a while, make him a peanut butter sandwich and turn on NASCAR.
These kids need hobbies. Like a good old co-ed softball league. Speaking of which, why does my softball team keep getting killed each week? We started off destroying people. Granted I didn’t bring my power stick to the plate last night...0-3...but I just can’t figure it out. And some folks in our humble league feel the need to argue with the umps. They don’t realize this is a terrible mistake. The gentlemen who umpire these matches are usually fresh out of prison and not used to being yelled at regarding something as happily subjective as balls and strikes. They are used to living their lives for higher stakes and are only five to ten years removed from god knows what. It’s true, there were a couple of awful blown calls last night one with me standing right on the plate. But I think it’s better to take a breath and walk away so Gus “whore-killer” Smith doesn’t relapse and say, "To hell with my parole officer, I’m killing everybody on the first base side."

Bono was in Arkansas. They’ve decided that there was bad “coffee” brewing in the UN. My rear speakers got stolen. Stern should just go now and be done with it. We got killed in softball again. They don’t have one copy of Elf in stock. The cute girl at work didn’t wear underwear today and took me in the copy room and let me look while she kissed my neck. No. Not all of that is true. The woman who sold me my parking card was really fat.

Don’t hate. Love. The world needs love right now. ODB is dead. ODB is dead.

I’ve been looking at the picture of this Mexican Dwarf for too long. When I thought up his theme song I knew it was time to write something so that there is a different first message when you hit the blog. I’m sure the Mexican Dwarf was a cool person. A tad smug, but cool. And...uhhh...
We’re still the best college football team in the country.

Quien es Alberto?
Alberto es el Juan Ashcroft nuevo.
Alberto es muy guapo. Alberto tiene su nasa en el culo del Presidente.
A Alberto le gusta los aborciones, pero
a Alberto le gusta tambien el torture de los prisoners de warro.
El es un hombre muy interesante. Que excitingo por los Estados Unidos!

Puberty Fairy,
Hang me like brontosaurus;
I’ll corn-hole Santa

and Laura Bush is just a jem, and I so agree with you on the haircut, its like a 80’s vidal with a little bit of euro frizz punk, so hot.

no one really understands the good genius of bush’s economic policy

Two links to check out; scroll down to the bottom on each.

The first is a chart correlating IQ to state votes in the 2000 election–very telling. I’d like to see this year’s. Click Here

The second is a mock concession speech by Adam Felber. Click Here

12PM- Carpet bomb Fallugah
2PM- go to camp David
330PM nappy time, with new dog

what does jesus say to himself in the mirror, does he call himself jesus, or does he go Hey Good Lookin, your skin bleaching sure is coming along, and your eyes so blue, - I’m going to change the name of my bible to Bushble.

Kerry is a commie, Edwards is a sissy, Cheney is the mother of doom, and Bush is God our father. and we need to suckle the barbecue tit of our savior

I wrote my constitution in crayon that way its colrflul, I like constitutions, I think its funny when they roll up instead of being flat, or are burnt so they look old like my wrinkles on my scrotum, it burns, anyway, I think that W2 is going to be even jollier than W1. the way I see it is if you dont like it, then bleach your skin, change your sex, and stop making homoisms. After all freedom of specch is overrated, and AL Gore is taking his internets back, all of them. and I think that W is a wise little elf sitting on top of a jesus smelling Xmas tree, looking at the night sky and asking, “MA, why do I stand like an ape boy?”- its because jesus made it so, and jesus is a stick in a pond that glows in the dark, and all the men in the hut go, "hot damn, looky there at that glowin stick, we’s gonna worship tit? I worship TIT, I like TIT, and you can take my guns away but YOu aint gettin my TIT.

Hi. Just in case you forgot, a slight majority of Americans ruined our country 48 hours ago. I’ve been reading things about healing and just getting over it like an ex-girlfriend. I tried, but no. So my right wing pals, enjoy your tax breaks you think you’re getting. Enjoy more job loss. Enjoy setting women and minorities back 50 years and maybe giving them the gift of a draft. Enjoy watching rich old white men get away with what they’ve always gotten away with. Don’t let the gays marry, after all, that hell should only be reserved for a man and a woman. Uh oh dear, put down that iron and stop making my dinner, some colored folks are moving in next door! Better get to church early this Sunday and take everything in the bible and constitution literally. Is that preacher/priest looking at my crotch? Nah. Let’s get up extra early and milk the cows and start our own militia because those left wing nuts are taking our freedoms away. The only good communist I mean arab is a dead arab. I’m scared. Why? The government told me to be.
OK. I know. I need to get back to writing and doing funny videos. I’ll keep my politics out of my art...but NOT my blog. I can’t believe this asshole got re-elected.

While waiting for Kerry’s concession, CSPAN had a guy taking calls from around the country. Callers could make any comment they wanted to. I heard some of the most excruciating things that ever vomited through the gullets of the hoi polloi. This is not the country I thought it was. The twin talons of fundamentalism and fear have a firm hold on the hearts of the voting public. The ignorance was nothing short of staggering. I don’t think it’s anything less than empirical for me to say that I despair for humankind. Bush is about to take the podium. The Dark Lord Sauron has recaptured the ring of power...

I made a mistake and assumed John Kerry would easily be elected. I’ve been wrong before and it always stings. We have this administration for four more years.

In my neighborhood at 7:00 this morning there were 150 people in a line that snaked around the back of a fire station. All of us were waiting to vote. I waited 45 minutes and then did my best to make sure that anyone in the republican party goes to bed tonight feeling like a loser. I guess you could argue that the republicans act and think the way they do because deep down inside all of them are losers who are overtly greedy and feel they have something to prove and have no concept of humanity. They seem happily uneducated yet fearful of change and remind me of the kid who always believes what his well-to-do but racist parents tell him without question. So here’s a few parting shots before the polls close:
Separation of church and state is paramount to being American and that is not possible with current republican policy. A woman’s right to choose and the right to speak or write your mind is not possible with republicans either. Republicans don’t want new taxes. Who does? But due to republicans going into two unwinnable wars with make believe bad guys and carrying on the mythical war on drugs and only giving breaks to corporations and rich folks and refusing to find alternative sources of energy, we’re all going to have to give a little to gain a lot. Good god is it time for change. I hope in the next four years I can take a cruise to Alaska, where they are voting to legalize marijuana at this very minute, and watch the Northern Lights before the ice caps melt.

Just voted in Larchmont after waiting an hour. Tied my dog up outside, and he wouldn’t behave. Cried the whole damn time. Bastard.

Fucking punchcards again. The booths said “Election Commission, County of SAN DIEGO.” Wonder what that means.

Anyway, I left and saw this teenage bitch on the way out with a homemade farmer cap that said “Fuck Kerry.” She was also wearing Prada sandal pumps and designer slut clothes alá Paris Hilton. Typical Hancock Park daddy’s girl. The skank. If this is the youth of America, the whole world is fucked. And if they elect this fucking fundamentalist hillbilly, America fucking deserves him. I hope they draft that little twat and make her march on Tehran.

I voted bitches! I won’t say who but I did NOT vote for the idiot goat raper who lies and eats babies. My polling place was in someone’s garage. Apparently it’s not just for bands anymore. I was stupidly hungover and had Starbucks in my sweaty grip while waiting behind old people. The woman who took my name had her cleavage squeezed into election day butt chest and dropped muffin crumbs somewhere in the depths of it.

DETROIT – (AP) PHD Detroit Vice Chairman and Chief Creative Officer William Morden addressed charges this morning that his advertising agency, a division of Omnicom Group, Inc., created an insensitive television spot as part of their campaign for the new Dodge Dakota pickup truck. “Our tagline is ‘hit it!’ and we thought this spot would be the perfect complement to Dakota’s aggressive new positioning,” said Morden, defending the commercial entitled “The 2005 Dakota Will Rape Your Mother.” Morden went on to explain that, “the focus groups loved this spot, so we thought it was a slam dunk as far as our target audience was concerned.” Bad Mother Fucker The focus groups, conducted early in 2004 by Pigram Research LLP, interviewed over three hundred potential Dakota purchasers, none of them mothers or rape victims. “They’re just not in the demographic, I guess,” said Pigram CEO John Pigram earlier today, “our first clue was when the spot started heavy rotation in what we term ‘the blue states.’ Then the phone started ringing off the hook.” The television commercial, which depicts the 2005 Dodge Dakota repeatedly running over a middle-aged woman, touts the Dakota’s available 4.7-liter high-output Magnum® V8 engine and chrome body side moldings. The spot ends with the familiar “hit it!” tagline and trademark undulating bass guitar riff. The visual stays on the humiliated middle-aged woman’s face, which is bloody and blotted with thick black motor oil. “We’ve never had standing ovations like that in focus groups,” said Morden, “I guess in the euphoria of the moment, we kind of forgot that rape is a crime. A terrible, terrible crime.” National Organization for Women president, Kim Gandy, agreed. “Yes, dipshit, rape is a crime,” she reportedly said to Morden in a conference call. NOW and over a dozen other women’s advocacy and law enforcement organizations demanded that DaimlerChrysler stop airing the ad. The Christian Coalition has withheld comment while president Roberta Combs prayerfully considers whether the prohibition of adultery in the Ten Commandments includes mother-rape. DaimlerChrysler has pulled the ads from their rotation, but not the entire campaign, which internal agency memos refer to as “brutalization,” and contains other commercials entitled “Anally Penetrate Your Buddy’s Tacoma,” “The Bitch In The Chevy Just Got Rammed,” and “Who’s The Sissy Now?” DaimlerChrysler CEO Jurgen E. Schrempp could not be reached for comment, as he was vacationing in the red light district of Bangkok, Thailand.

Some cyber geek online gambling company has figured out a fun way to post random quote like comments on my blog with different emails and URL’s which makes tracking them down a bit cumbersome. I tried to delete the fake comments from as many posts as I could. This is a cheap shot, hidden advertising move made at my expense. I gave no permission for them to post their company name and try to get people to click over there and spend money. No doubt this is the latest innovation in spam. So Mr. Free Online Poker, I hope you get online cancer...and if you do not want online cancer include me in a cut of the profits from the folks who visit my site and blog and then go gamble on yours...

Torture at the Top

No jokes today, just piss and vinegar. Check out the link to “The Nation” weblog called “The Daily Outrage.” Looks like all that torture at Abu Ghraib was possibly the result of an Executive Order, and our military-loving president has no compunction about letting the grunts take the fall.

Is there any doubt left that we are the bad guys?

WASHINGTON - President Bush defended Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s handling of the Iraq war on Monday. Several Republican lawmakers have expressed doubts about Rumsfeld’s performance and many Democrats want him fired, but Bush rejected such criticism. “I believe he’s doing a really fine job,” Bush said, “and not just because he’s so handsome.” Rumsfeld and his Bitch "Sometimes, his demeanor is rough and gruff. But below that rough and gruff, no-nonsense demeanor is a good human being who cares deeply about the military and deeply about the grief that war causes," said Bush, who went on to say that Rumsfeld “has really great glutes for his age.” Rumsfeld over the weekend was accused of being insensitive after admitting he did not personally sign letters of condolence to families of more than 1,000 soldiers killed in Iraq but instead had them signed by auto-pen. Rumsfeld later said he would now sign them by hand. When asked if this new-found sensitivity might lead to better body and vehicle armor for US Troops serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, Rumsfeld remarked, “The US military is the most powerful fighting force in the history of mankind, and they’d better cowboy up. Any soldier that asks me embarrassing questions in the future is gonna get latrine detail at Guantánamo.” Throws Like Girl Rumsfeld, who has often been derided in the press for his “spindly widow’s hands” and for speculation that he “throws like a girl,” has recently begun a bracing fitness regimen, which includes jogging, weightlifting, and prisoner abuse. This clearly has met with President Bush’s approval, who despite ongoing calls for Rumsfeld’s resignation, continues to support him in his role as Defense Secretary. “Uncle Donny used to bounce me on his knee,” remarked bush at his holiday press conference. “He’d say, ‘hey Georgie, why don’t you come on up and sit on Uncle Donny’s hand?’ And to think he’s kept his figure all these years.” Bush continued, “I wouldn’t have anyone else as my Sex, err, Secretary—Defense Secretary.”

 

Since the start of the Industrial Age, workers have formed unions to fight for higher wages, more benefits and job security. Now, a new season’s group of contestants on the popular reality show “The Apprentice” have formed a union to fight its pink slip-happy host, business tycoon Donald Trump.

“Our number one priority is job security, because, well, someone gets fired every week,” said John Giles, a glass manufacturer. “We believe if we are organized, we’ll be able to stay in his employ indefinitely, with only one of us doing work and the rest standing around watching.”

“Let’s see the Donald try to fire anybody now,” said Marla Quints, a pasta food company production manager. “He’s gotta have a better reason than ‘I don’t have a good feeling about you’ or else Local 80 and its team of lawyers will have a field day.”

Trump, star of “The Apprentice”, isn’t happy.

“They want pension plans? Health insurance? Profit sharing of the advertising revenue!? You’ve got to be kidding,” Trump shouted. “They’re IDIOTS I found on the STREET. This is a GAME SHOW. They’re CONTESTANTS. They were never HIRED. They can’t form a UNION.”

The AFL-CIO spoke out in favor of the contestants. “Even by threatening to fire them, Trump is legally giving them the right to demand wages and benefits for services rendered, a portion of which will naturally be paid to us in dues,” said spokesman Larry Goldweiss.

“Yes, I say ‘you’re fired’, but...it’s just an expression I’ve copyrighted. They were never hired! They’re not on the payroll! IS EVERYBODY A !@#*ING IDIOT?!?” lamented Trump.

“Without us, he doesn’t have a show,” said Bianca Nicodemus, a law student and bikini model. “He has to respect our rights as unstable personalities who want to be on television. I mean, look at HIM.”

Trump has reportedly fired himself. “There’s no way around it, I let a bunch of morons get the upper hand. I’m fired,” he said.

“I had plaster fall on my head,” said Omarosa, an outspoken woman from the first season. “Those aren’t safe working conditions. If we’d been organized, I’d be richer than him by now.”

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. - A jury decided Monday that Ben Affleck should be executed for murdering his pregnant wife, Laci, whose Christmas Eve disappearance two years ago was the opening act in a legal drama that captivated the nation. Guilty Cheers went up outside the courtroom as the jury announced its decision after 11 1/2 hours of deliberations over three days. The jury had two options in deciding the 32-year-old Academy Award winner’s fate: life in prison without parole or death by injection. Judge Alfred A. Delucchi will formally sentence Affleck on Feb. 25. The judge will have the option of reducing the sentence to life, but such a move is highly unlikely. Affleck clenched his jaw when the verdict was read but showed no other emotion. In arguing for death, prosecutors called Affleck “the worst kind of celebrity” and said he was undeserving of sympathy. The defense begged jurors to “remember what a great film Good Will Hunting was.” Laci Petersen, with Affleck The decision came almost two years to the date after the disappearance of Laci Peterson, a 27-year-old substitute teacher who married her college sweetheart and was soon to be the proud mother of a fetus named Conner. The story set off a tabloid frenzy as suspicion began to swirl around Ben Affleck, who claimed to have been fishing by himself on Christmas Eve and was carrying on an affair with Jennifer Lopez at the time. The remains of Laci and the fetus washed ashore about four months later, just a few miles from where Affleck claims to have gone fishing in San Francisco Bay. The case went to trial in June, and Peterson was convicted Nov. 12 of two counts of murder. All the while, the case never stopped making headlines. The case graced more People magazine covers than any murder investigation in the publication’s history. Court TV thrived during the case, providing countless hours of coverage on the investigation and gavel-to-gavel commentary throughout the trial. CNN’s Larry King hosted show after show with pundits picking apart legal strategies, testimony and even Ben Affleck’s demeanor. Trial regulars showed up by the hundreds to participate in the daily lottery for the coveted 27 public seats inside the courtroom. Affleck will now be sent to death row at San Quentin State Prison outside San Francisco, the infamous lockup where prisoners gaze out small cell windows overlooking the same bay where Laci Peterson’s body was discarded. Affleck still might not be executed for decades, if ever. That is because California’s death row has grown to house more than 640 condemned men and women since the state brought back capital punishment in 1978. Since then, only 10 executions have been carried out. It can take years for even the first phase of the appeals process to begin. In the meantime, Affleck plans to cintinue shooting Gigli 2. California’s last execution was on Jan. 29, 2002, when Stephen Wayne Anderson — described by supporters as the poet laureate of Death Row — was put to death by lethal injection for the Memorial Day 1980 murder of 81-year-old Elizabeth Lyman during a break-in at her home. As many as three murderers face possible execution in 2005, said Department of Corrections spokeswoman Margot Bach.

This was a particularly good year, I thought, for noteworthy deaths. Among my favorites: Ol' Dirty Bastard, Ronald Reagan, Ray Charles, Julia Child, Tony Randall (who might actually have been Julia Child), Superman, Rodney Dangerfield, Weezie from The Jeffersons, Yasser Arafat, Johnny Ramone, Jack Paar, Marlon Brando, and Captain Kangaroo.

Please share your predictions/nominations for '05. Some of mine...
1. One of the Olsen Twins, skiing or something outdoorsy.
2. Beyonce, my shocker pick
3. Mel Gibson, just wishful thinking
4. David Hyde Pierce, suicide
5. Stacey Augmon, his slaying will result in NBA metal detectors and pat-downs
6. James Earl Jones, his stutter will return with fatal consequences
7. Robert Downey, Jr., now that he seems to have turned his life around
8. a competitor, female, on Survivor or Fear Factor. Or Blind Date
9. Paul McCartney, he won’t ever be 64
10. Mel Gibson, will actually die twice

"He blew the whole thing wide open," said Kud (C. Gray), the corpulent singer of MUDVAYNE, “I mean, before Dimebag, you had to be a coked-out tweaker to join the metal scene. Dimebag showed us that big people can rock too.”

RIP Dimebag Darrell Damageplan guitarist Dimebag Darrell (born Darrell Abbott) was shot dead at the Alrosa Villa nightclub in Columbus, Ohio, last night. Dimebag (nee Diamond) Darrell’s legendary metal outfit, PANTERA, debuted at number 1 in 1994 with their third album, Far Beyond Driven, but are perhaps best known for their 1992 release of Vulgar Display of Power. This seminal “Fatty Metal” album changed the hard rock landscape forever. “I mean, there was Darrell, tipping the scales at at least 260,” continued Kud over a plate of nachos at the Universal Citywalk this morning, “and his brother [drummer Vinnie Paul] was even bigger. Maybe 300. But it didn’t matter. They came on with an aggressive metal assault unlike anything anyone had ever heard. He was like the Jackie Robinson of fat headbangers.” PANTERA went on to dominate the thrash metal scene for over ten years, and blazing a trail for angry musicians of large stature worldwide. “If you accept that metal is about anger and catharsis,” said BOY SETS FIRE guitarist Joshua Latshaw while in line at Pink’s Hot Dog Stand, “then the genre is perfect for people with weight problems. All of that social rejection builds up a lot of anger, and thrash is a great outlet.” In fact, heavy metal, particularly the speed and thrash subgenres, has a very devoted following. Over the past decade, heavy metal has been the number one musical style among the 250-350 lb. demographic, narrowly beating out country western since 1993. “Gangsta rap” holds a distant third. Dieticians have long praised heavy metal slamdancing for the obese as a healthy alternative to the Philly Cheesesteak. Dimebag was murdered by a disturbed fan, who jumped onstage early in the set yelling, “you broke up PANTERA!” The attacker then shot Dimebag in the head at least five times. He then turned the gun on others in the club, killing three more people. He had a fifth victim in a headlock, and was about to shoot the victim at point-blank range when police officer James Niggemeyer shot the attacker dead. The attacker’s body mass index has not been released, so it is not yet known if the shooting was obesity-related. Dimebag will be laid to rest in his home state of Texas, a state with a long and proud tradition of bigness. He will be interred at Homewood Cemetary in Dallas, appropriately in a “double-wide” crypt. Dimebag’s family is planning a Texas-style barbeque for the funeral guests. “It’s what Darrell would have wanted,” a relative said.

Among the multitude of conversations I had with members of the opposite sex this weekend one of them centered around the wildly popular (and now in syndication) tv show Sex and the City. I’ll use my own name and assign the woman in this conversation a number. She will be referred to as #14.
#14 and I were viewing some particularly underwhelming program on an arbitrary cable station when a promo came on for Sex and the City. I recognized all the familiar faces. There was Horseface and Old Red and Mousey and Whore. And there were clips from some of the better known episodes. Then I perked right up since I was about two hurricane’s deep and had this to say,
“You know. I liked that show”.
“What, Sex and the City?” asked #14.
“I did. I really did.”
“Well, it was a good show” said #14 thinking that was the end of it and I’d continue sipping my bright red drink.
“But you know,” I began, “I watched a lot of episodes on a lot of Sunday nights and I even laughed. But at the end of it all…really at the end when it officially went off the air the only thing I learned and the only thing that show taught me, was that women are fucking crazy.”
#14 cocked her head to the side and I saw her eyes narrow with confusion/repulsion/lust. She looked at me and studied me to see if I really meant it or if I was going to tell her I was joking. But I wasn’t joking and I did sort of mean it.
#14 began:
“Well, there are some people who would tell you if that’s what you learned from that show then you didn’t learn anything”.
“What people are those?” I countered as my ice cubes in my hurricane clinked disapprovingly.
“Any educated people, one would imagine” said #14.
“Really?”
“Yep”.
“You mean women. I bet guys would agree with me. I bet even gay guys, especially gay guys would agree with me because a lot of gay guys wrote those episodes from hanging out with women seeing how crazy they are and they probably ended up glad they weren’t born straight.”
“Ric?”
“#14” I replied.
Sort of a vacuum ensued. Then a tiny stare down. Then my roommate walked in with food and wondered what kind of volley he had just missed. Then later that evening I didn’t have sex.

Happy belated birthday, Ric. This cake gets me hot

Spending my weekend at The Palms craps tables avoiding the thought that I had just turned 32, I briefly reflected on the good friends I had who offered to throw parties on my account and all the wonderful folks who called to say hello and wish happy things on me. Thank you. Since my laptop was being repaired I had no idea that Kenz put the two gentleman riding the stone pony up on this blog.
That was one of the first images I saw when I booted up Monday morning. So did a few of my co-workers.
I think my mother had the best response to the photo by telling me, “Hmmm, well they’re probably in Europe”.
Final thoughts on The Palms: OK service, good rooms, boring food, weak drinks, good craps tables and the crowd is a mix of young people who look jilted because they were turned away at the Hard Rock...and the Hard Rock doesn’t really turn people away.

Happiest of Happys. I love you infinity.

Links to my Cursing Fish cartoon are on my homepage. Or click The Fish Link!
I wrote it. Brice animated it and is one of the fish. Michael C is also a fish and the last fish you see is me. Kenny over at Drama 3/4 recorded it in his studio. Fickas put it up on his site and featured it in the Showcase Showdown last weekend. It did well. Girls even liked it so I was really happy/astonished.
I wrote it a year ago. It’s about the three fish I have in my apartment who are very cool. There’s even video tape of us recording it and trying to keep straight faces. I wanted to do it Live Action but my fish wouldn’t work with me so Brice stepped in. Ronald, Honald and St. Joseph will never know they made people smile because they have fins and can’t work a computer.

You should be able to post now without threat of an ad-vert popping up in your comments. The Owner.

Until further notice the comments section of this blog is in for repairs. Love you!

Hi. I changed the front page of the Planet to plug the Showcase Showdown this weekend. And Gino wrote a new article and there are a couple new pictures up. Trav’s supposed to be writing something new as well and maybe will have it done this Friday.
I still have a cold. I need to slow down/get off drugs/stop drinking/learn a skill.

WASHINGTON (AP) – An old friend of President Bush who secretly recorded their private conversations and released them to the media said he has regrets and is turning the tapes over to Bush.

On a “time-out” in Iraq

Doug Wead allowed journalists to hear and broadcast the tapes in the past week as he promoted his new book on presidential parents. But he said he canceled plans to be on “Hardball” on MSNBC Tuesday night to talk about his regrets because he had to leave for “an unexpected business trip to Falloujah.”

“Contrary to a statement that I made to the New York Times, I have come to realize that loyalty is more important than the truth,” Wead wrote in a letter to the show’s host, Chris Matthews, that MSNBC released to the public on Wednesday. “I am asking my attorney to redact those sections of my book and to get the tapes back to the president to whom they belong. I’m also having him finalize my living trust.”

On the tapes, recorded over the course of the two years before Bush became the Republican presidential nominee, Bush discusses strategy for his presidential run and appears to acknowledge past drug use. He says he will refuse to answer questions about using LSD, cocaine and marijuana because “I don’t want to have to rely on Jeb to steal the election for me.”

The White House said Bush did not dispute the content of the tapes. The president’s aides brushed off repeated questions about them during his tour of Europe this week by saying Bush considered Wead "a terrorist."

AP-London

James Bond, famous British Secret Service agent, has fucked Miss Moneypenny, his superior’s secretary, with whom he has shared numerous flirtatious moments but never seduced until now.
“Wow, finally,” Moneypenny said. “I thought the day would never come. Merry Christmas to me.”
Moneypenny has been making herself available to Bond for years with playful, sexual innuendos. It finally paid off at this year’s Secret Service office Christmas party.
“I gave her the business in the copy room while Q was attempting to show me some new exploding paper clip,” Bond remarked. “She scratched my back up bloody good, but I guess I deserved it after all these years. I actually enjoyed it. Who would’ve thought Miss Moneypenny would be such an aggressive little minx?”
Q, Her Majesty’s Secret Service gadget man, was not amused.
“No sooner had I asked 007 to pay attention, than he was off with that Moneypenny bird,” quipped Q. “They made quite a commotion. I dare say, I won’t be making use of any paper from that particular copy room any time soon. I should probably explode it.”
Since that fateful night, Bond has made more than several attempts to get in touch with Moneypenny, but to no avail. Bond expressed confusion.
“I mean, I’ve had Holly Goodhead, Plenty O’Toole and Pussy Galore, but Moneypenny...Moneypenny...”
Bond trailed off and stared out the window of his London flat. “I mean...did she say anything about me to you?”
“Yeah, he’s called,” offered Moneypenny, “but, I’ve got a cat to feed, ya know? Let’s just say this: I was shaken, but not stirred.”

Hunter, you became everything you hated. A stupid, worthless stat in a stupid, worthless world. I will miss your words and your inspiration.

The following IP Adresses are some of those that post gambling-related spam messages on this blog.

Ric, can you see if b2 can block these IPs from posting?

To the online poker spammers: I want to drop a link down your throat, you shitbags!

194.2.146.199
157.181.74.113
192.132.218.42
193.191.141.3
203.97.97.130 , cf1.compass.net.nz
208.57.77.33 , lgb-cust-208.57.77.33.mpowercom.net
193.191.141.199 , mail.einet.be
131.109.28.253 , www.skschools.net
220.90.132.183
202.54.136.131
65.123.150.16 , lpms.silver.k12.nm.us

You simply can’t make this shit up.
-jw

From http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1275591.html:

A German zoo has imported four female penguins from Sweden in an effort to tempt its gay penguins to go straight. The four Swedish females were dispatched to the Bremerhaven Zoo in Bremen after it was found that three of the zoo’s five penguin pairs were homosexual. Keepers at the zoo ordered DNA tests to be carried out on the penguins after they had been mating for years without producing any chicks. It was only then they realised that six of the birds were living in homosexual partnerships. Director Heike Kueck said that the zoo hoped to see some baby penguins in the coming months. She said that the birds had been mating for years and one couple even adopted a stone that they protected like an egg. Kueck said that the project has the support of the European Endangered Species Programme because the penguins, which are native to South America, are an endangered species. A biologist will be on hand to monitor the experiment. But introducing the Bremerhaven penguins to their new Swedish friends may not be as successful as hoped after earlier experiments revealed great difficulties in separating homosexual couples. In case they show no interest, the zoo has also flown in two new male penguins “so that the ladies don’t miss out altogether”, Kueck added.

Backstage at the past couple of shows I’ve done, some of us have joked about assembling a “curriculum” for today’s theatre majors. For me, it helped ease the pain of close to a decade of student loan payments. Enjoy, and feel free to contribute.

Acting Program (BFA Track)

THTR 110 Contemporary Drama; or analysis of Obie-winning plays from the 1960s
THTR 115a Duck-Duck-Goose 1
THTR 120ab Introduction to Acting: Highlighting Your Lines
THTR 130 Introduction to Unemployment
THTR 140ab Histrionics: The Art of Crying

THTR 201 Introduction to Smoking
THTR 215ab Duck-Duck-Goose II
THTR 220ab Intermediate Histrionics: Unneccessary Ticks and Mannerisms
THTR 240ab Tongue-Twisters and other Literature

THTR 310 Theory and Practice of World Theatre I: Subsidized Countries
THTR 311 Theory and Practice of World Theatre II: USA and the Death of Culture
THTR 315ab Physical Theatre I: Duck-Duck-Goose and Theatrical Pedagogy
THTR 320ab Sexual Histrionics: Beyond Moaning
THTR 340ab The Art of Glottal Fry in the Contemporary Voiceover Market
THTR 397 Theatre Practicum: Sexual Humiliation and Getting into the Unions

THTR 415ab Physical Theatre II: Theoretical Approaches to Duck-Duck-Goose
THTR 420ab Advanced Histrionics: Living Without Social Skills
THTR 440ab Musical Theatre Belt Technique and Jazz Hands Practicum
THTR 471 Senior Showcase: A SPIKE HEELS and TRACERS intensive
THTR 480 Performance for the Camera, or “Smoking Out with Film Students”
THTR 497 Advanced Theatre Practicum, or the LA WEEKLY Advertising Department presents “Happy Endings: The Art of the Handjob”

Students must also choose one course from:
THTR 305a Directing and Other Power Struggles
THTR 365 Playwriting , or “Exploiting Your Twisted Inner Monoluge for Fun and Profit”
THTR 375 Stage Management: A Passion for Masochism

And any two of the following:
THTR 300 Shakespeare for the Functionally Illiterate
THTR 301 Greek and Roman Wrestling (Co-Educational)
THTR 302 Backstage Shennanigans and Practical Jokes
THTR 313 Comedy of Manners intensive with Luke and Laura
THTR 314 Advanced Topics in Modern Drama: The Nutritional Value of Your Diploma
THTR 345 Kristin Linklater Voice Seminar: Childhood Emotional Scars and your Diaphragm
THTR 347 Using Your Tech Theatre Skills for Employment as a Handyman, Apartment Manager, Plumber, Electrician, or Construction Worker
THTR 362 Alcoholics Anonymous Practicum
THTR 499 Theatre Economics. Bodily Function Confessionals, Religious Exploitation, and Equestrian Modern Dance (with Chinese French-Canadian Acrobats): The Three Viable Forms of 21st Century Theatre

I figured the Pats would win but was excited to see Philly show up and fight. Ordinary weekend other than binge drinking and eating too much chili during the football game. The commercials were not memorable at all and the only funny conversation I had happened during Sir Paul’s performance during halftime. It went like this:
Ric: This is not the Fox attitude I’m used to.
Man: But he’s a Beatle.
Ric: Can’t get much safer than that.
Man #2: Hey Jude is my favorite song.
Ric: So? You mean to tell me there hasn’t been any relevant music made since the 60’s?
Man: Hey go easy on Paul. His wife died and he’s dating a chick with one leg.
Man #2: He’s doing Hey Jude now. Shut up.

Funny 'cuz it’s true.

Just last Thursday I had on a white shirt with a bbq sauce stain. I had not bothered to shave all week and I stopped setting my alarm to go into work in the morning. I just sort of awakened when my body had had enough rest. You see I had recently decided to get fired but something cool had happened. My headhunter got me a new job that didn’t start for a week I resolved to get very drunk on the weekday evenings and see if I could function in my (now)lame duck corporate setting. Turns out, I can/could. But nobody noticed. Or cared. Just as it had been for the last year.
That’s when it all became clear. That was the moment I realized that not only do I enjoy blowing hobos for cash, but I just need to take the time in life to smell the roses and masterbate until I chafe. I’m taking this weekend to just go to my cabin and reflect on my life so far. I’m going to get my shit done. I will do laundry. I will call people back. I will get that body out of my trunk and rape it. I will stop calling my pet tampon, Prosperity. I will pinch my nipples with aplomb. Yes sir, this time I’m getting my life together. And then I’m coming after you.

I call him Thunder God. You all probably know him better as Rick Allen. Like your drummers, he puts his pants on one leg at a time...fucking shit...

I just think after the news of the day, this deserved a repost. I’m a prescient motherfucker.

jw

The Ugliest Diplomat in New York President Bush has nominated John Bolton to become the next ambassador to the United Nations. Bolton most recently served as undersecretary of state for arms control. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice made the announcement Monday. “The President and I have asked John to do this work because he is the ugliest man in the cabinet,” Rice said. “So put that in your pipe and smoke it, you UN prettyboys .” Bush Taps Longtime Critic of UN But Bolton’s nomination stunned many in Washington and at the United Nations because he has been one of the Bush administration’s fiercest critics of the United Nations. In 1994 he said ‘'if the UN secretariat building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference.’' He has also called for the US to stop paying dues to the United Nations. On Monday, Bolton said he now looks forward to working at the UN. “Maybe those foreign women will talk to me now,” Bolton said. “I usually do better with foreign women.” According to journalist Jim Lobe, who has closely monitored the rise of the neoconservatives in Washington, Bolton was widely considered the most unilateralist and least diplomatic of senior U.S. officials during Bush’s first term. He has repeatedly opposed major global treaties including the anti-ballistic missile treaty and the formation of the International Criminal Court. "Let’s face it," said Lobe, "He’s no Michael Bolton. Most women won’t touch that man with a ten-foot pole. His sexual frustration over the years has definitely manifested in his policy positions." Brought to you by Just For Men Gel Specially formulated for Mustaches, Beards, and Sideburns. Bolton described Bush’s decision to pull its support for the court as “the happiest moment of my government service.” Lobe speculated that this position might have something to do with Bolton’s extensive sex-tourism in Southeast Asia, where he is somewhat infamous for soliciting adolescent prostitutes with untreated cleft palates. "In Ho-Chi-Minh City [formerly Saigon] they call him H.H.," said Lobe, "which stands for ‘Harelip Hummer.’ Obviously, he doesn’t want an international court or Human Rights Commission to interfere with his favorite hobby." The “Luscious” ElBaradei Bolton recently led an unsuccessful campaign to oust Mohamed ElBaradei from his post as head of the International Atomic Energy Agency, because ElBaradei has not ruled Iran in violation of its international obligations. However, it is rumored that Bolton maintains a personal grudge against ElBaradei because the IAEA head flaunts "a luscious salt & pepper mustache," the likes of which Bolton has not been able to grow in the past twenty years.

Ex-NFL Kicker Fires at Siegfried & Roy

By Associated Press

LAS VEGAS — A former NFL kicker accused of shooting at the compound of Siegfried & Roy viewed the illusionists as a threat, according to a psychiatric evaluation report.

The evaluation was performed by psychiatrist Norton Roitman on Nov. 10, a week after Cole Ford was charged with firing several shotgun blasts at the Las Vegas home of entertainers Siegfried Fischbacher and Roy Horn.

The report was published in Saturday’s editions of the Las Vegas Review-Journal.

Ford, 32, a former kicker for the Oakland Raiders, has been ruled incompetent to stand trial and sent to a mental health facility in Sparks for treatment.

Ford maintained he never intended to harm anyone and his actions were only intended to “warn the world of the illusionists' unhealthy danger to them and to animals,” the report said.

“While watching Siegfied and Roy, he had a sudden realization that what was wrong with the world was linked to the illusionists' treatment, dominance and unhealthy intimacy he saw them having with their animals,” Roitman wrote in the report.

“He saw their illusions as their power to distort and change reality. He felt they threatened (the) world, and he began to figure out how he could stop them,” Roitman added.

No one was hurt in the Sept. 21 drive-by shooting, but police said shotgun pellets shattered windows and left a hole in an outside wall at the magicians' home.

Ford told Roitman that he thought the entertainers' contact with their animals was related to the development of viruses such as AIDS.

“Mr. Ford was completely unguarded in his report of his beliefs of unhealthy sexual contact being committed by the illusionists against their animals,” Roitman wrote.

After being drafted out of USC in 1995, Ford kicked for three seasons with the Raiders but was cut after he missed several crucial kicks in 1997.

He had been working as a laborer in the Las Vegas area before he was arrested.

Roitman said Ford was not paranoid schizophrenic but had shown symptoms of the illness.

Because Ford’s symptoms do not fit into any one mental illness, he would be difficult to diagnose, Roitman said.

Ford has been sent to Lakes Crossing Center in Sparks, where doctors are treating him in hopes he eventually will be competent to stand trial on several charges, including felony assault with a deadly weapon.

Graduate student arrested

Mathematics student admits to about 60 incidents of lewd behavior toward Asian females on campus

By Chanakya Sethi

Princetonian Senior Writer

A graduate student in the mathematics department has been charged by Borough police with reckless endangerment and harassment in connection with more than 60 incidents targeting Asian women on campus. President Tilghman has barred the student from campus.

Michael Lohman, a third-year student in the applied and computational mathematics program, was charged last week by Borough police with two counts of reckless endangerment, two counts of tampering with a food product, one count of harassment and one count of theft.

Lohman, 28, cut and took locks of hair from about nine Asian female University students without their knowledge or consent and poured his own bodily fluids into the drinks of Asian female students more than 50 times, according to police reports.

Lohman lives in the Butler apartments with his wife of four years, who is Asian, a graduate student who knows him told The Daily Princetonian Tuesday.

The investigation began on March 3 when an Asian female student riding a campus Green Line shuttle bus on Washington Road reported to the Department of Public Safety (DPS) that an unidentified man had cut off a lock of her hair, University and Borough officials said.

Public Safety officials believed the incident was related to others dating back several years, DPS deputy director Charles Davall said Tuesday. The department had received three reports – in October 2002, April 2003 and May 2004 – of an unidentified man pouring substances into the drinks of Asian female students.

Those incidents occurred in the Graduate College dining hall serving line and in the Fine Hall library when the women’s drinks were left unattended, Davall said.

A joint investigation between DPS and Borough police revealed that Lohman was on the Green Line shuttle when the female student’s hair was snipped. In January, a witness from one of the earlier drink incidents identified Lohman in a photograph as the man who had poured an unknown substance into a woman’s drink in April 2003, Davall said.

Upon interrogation, Lohman confessed to cutting the woman’s hair and to cutting the hair of Asian female students at least eight other times, University communications director Lauren Robinson-Brown '85 said. All of the hair-snipping incidents occurred on campus, Davall said.

Lohman also admitted to pouring his bodily fluids into the drinks of Asian female students on more than 50 occasions, Robinson-Brown said. The fluids poured into the drinks were semen and urine, Lt. Dennis McManimon, the Borough police’s spokesman, said in an interview Tuesday.

“In my 23 years in the department, this is clearly the most bizarre case that I’ve seen,” McManimon said.

The Graduate College drink incidents in 2002 and 2003 occurred while Lohman was living there. Since the fall of 2003, however, Lohman has neither held a meal plan nor worked at the Graduate College dining hall, a graduate student who knows him and University officials said.

Borough police also reported that Lohman may have squirted bodily fluids on Asian female students as they rode on University shuttle buses.

A search of Lohman’s apartment revealed “a quantity of women’s panties and numerous mittens,” according to a statement from Borough police.

The investigation, McManimon said, “has been leaning” toward the conclusion that Lohman stuffed the mittens with the hair he had obtained from students and used them for personal sexual gratification.

The full extent of Lohman’s activity may not be known for some time, University and Borough officials cautioned. “The investigation is far from over. It’s in its infancy,” McManimon said.

Barred from campus

On Tuesday afternoon, University officials were finalizing paperwork to bar Lohman from campus. A section of "Rights, Rules, Responsibilities" – the University document on disciplinary polices and regulations – gives the president the authority to expel an individual from campus in circumstances "seriously affecting" the health, well-being or physical safety of any University person.

"I took the unusual step of barring Mr. Lohman from campus because the nature of his actions as we have come to understand them are not acceptable behavior on this campus, and are deeply disrespectful of the rights of others," Tilghman said in an e-mail Tuesday afternoon.

University officials are encouraging victims to come forward. "We are concerned that there are victims who have not come forward," Robinson-Brown said. "Anyone who feels that they were a victim should immediately contact Public Safety."

By the end of the day on Tuesday, the Borough police had received “at least a dozen” phone messages regarding the case, McManimon said, though he was not certain that all calls were from alleged victims.

Mental health questions

Borough police reported that Lohman was taken to Capital Health Systems, a hospital in nearby Trenton, after being arrested. Davall, the deputy director of DPS, said he could not say “whether [Lohman] is still there or why he was hospitalized.”

It remains unclear whether Lohman suffers from a mental illness.

An e-mail message sent on Monday to students enrolled in MAT 308: Theory of Games, the course for which Lohman is a grader, explained the delay in returning student homework by saying that “Michael Lohman is sick.”

Michael Litchman, a visiting professor in the psychology department who teaches a course on abnormal psychology, said, “Obviously [Lohman] has some extremely serious issues regarding interpersonal relationships, self esteem and socially acceptable behaviors in public.”

“It may be that he does, indeed, like Asian women and may have been rejected by one or more, and he’s angry and hurt. That’s one possibility, but there are many other possibilities,” Litchman, a clinical psychologist by training, said, stressing that he has not met with Lohman and thus cannot make a specific diagnosis.

“It might also go back to something that has happened to him prior to his entry to college, perhaps even during his childhood. At this point in time, it’s difficult to pinpoint with any degree of certainty exactly what happened to this man other than to conclude that he needs intensive psychotherapy and that he shouldn’t be allowed on this campus until such time as he’s been successfully treated,” he added.

A gifted mathematician

In interviews with the ‘Prince,’ a friend and former professors of Lohman painted a portrait of him as a gifted mathematician and friendly individual.

“I was shocked,” a graduate student who knows Lohman said. “I couldn’t believe [the news] because . . . how can one prove that he really did that?”

Lohman received his bachelor’s degree in mathematics from Louisiana State University (LSU) in 2001 and was awarded a scholarship on the basis of his academic performance, professorial recommendations and accomplishments in math.

While at LSU, Lohman met his future wife. They were married in the summer of 2001, just after Lohman graduated, the Princeton student who knows him said. When Lohman moved to Princeton in 2002 after a year of graduate work at LSU, his wife stayed in Louisiana to finish her doctoral degree.

For the year during which they were separated, Lohman lived in the Graduate College, the Princeton graduate student said. When Lohman’s wife joined him in Princeton, the couple moved to the Butler apartments, which are intended for married couples.

“They seemed happy,” the student said. “The relations between he and his wife were excellent.”

LSU mathematics professor Robert Perlis, who taught Lohman and was on the committee that decided to offer him a scholarship, said he was “absolutely shocked and almost in disbelief that [Lohman] could do something like this.”

Another LSU professor, James Oxley, said that though his interaction with Lohman was confined to the classroom, he “had no reason to believe anything other than he was a normal student, except very gifted mathematically.”

Oxley said he “was really impressed with [Lohman's] mathematical ability” – so impressed that he recommended that Lohman go to Princeton for graduate school. He encouraged Lohman to work with Paul Seymour, a University professor he considered “the best person” in the field of graph theory.

Perlis added that Oxley “thought Michael would perhaps do better in the Princeton environment” because of the opportunities to work with some of the strongest minds in applied and computational mathematics.

When Lohman wasn’t admitted to Princeton, according to the graduate student who knows him, he stayed at LSU for another year and reapplied to Princeton – this time successfully.

“Princeton is the place he really wanted to come,” the graduate student who knows him said. “He wants to be a professor, surely, in academia. He had a lot of progress on his research project, so it’s a pity that he cannot continue his work . . . I will be so sorry about it.”

Seymour and other members of Princeton’s mathematics department declined to comment on Monday, citing a desire to respect Lohman’s privacy.

However the real Liam Sullivan will be performing tonight at the ACME theatre on LaBrea at 8:00PM. There will be songs, short films, weird characters and some foul, nasty, wonderfully refreshing comedy. Come by at 7:30 and get drinks with me at this Italian place called Amalfi which is right next door to Acme and then watch Liam for only $10.

Tuesdays suck but Liam makes them swallow.

Today really is Hawaiian-shirt day. I thought that was just in the movies. No, it’s real. My throughput must have gotten fucked up somewhere along the chain because I clearly didn’t get those instructions.

I will be starting “WifeBeater Wednesdays,” more than likely the very same week I will be asked to leave.

Sincerely,

The Temp

Spin magazine named Radiohead’s “OK Computer” the top album of the past 20 years.

In honor of Travis “Vodka Snob” Tucker’s birthday, you can get new “I Topoff with Popov” gear at cafepress.com/travis31.

There is no mark-up on these, unless I start selling a shitload. Then you’re all screwed.

Left: CT scan of a normal 25 year old; Right, Terri Schiavo’s most recent scan

Autopsy results revealed yesterday that Terry Schiavo, the Florida woman whose right-to-die case entangled the courts and mesmerized America for months, could not have been resuscitated. The neural pathway to her neurocortex had been destroyed some 15 years ago when, with her brain deprived of oxygen, she slipped into a persistent vegetative state. Examiner Jon Thogmartin pointed out, however, that Schiavo’s reproductive system was “operational and healthy.”

Her death on March 31 ended a familial, legal, and political struggle over removing her feeding tube. The autopsy showed that her brain was half the size of normal, and said Thogmartin at a press conference: “No amount of therapy or treatment would have regenerated the massive loss of neurons.”

Schiavo’s pelvic scan revealed a “functional” reproductive system.

While autopsy concluded that the vision centers of her brain were dead, rendering her blind, her ovaries were functioning and the fallopian tubes were unblocked. Religious authorities were quick to point out that, had Schiavo lived, her mortal coil could have had a meaningful existence as a Christian “maternity mule,” bringing new tithing-payers from the spirit realm into the world.

“This controversy is not over,” said Dr. David Stevens, a medical doctor who serves as executive director of the Christian Medical and Dental Associations. “Terry could have been the mother to the next President of the United States, the next Ralph Ried, or even the next Pope, and now that potential is lost forever.”


While it remains unclear who would care for Schiavo’s potential children, the Florida Evangelical community had amassed a list of over five hundred Christian men who volunteered to impregnate her.

WAUKESHA COUNTY, Wis. – An ice cream truck driver faces drunken driving charges after a woman said she saw him throw a malt liquor can out the window of his ice cream truck.

David Blundell, 43, appeared in Waukesha County court Tuesday. He said he wasn’t drunk.

New Berlin police said his blood-alcohol level was nearly three times the legal limit when he was pulled over.

Blundell has previously been convicted of drunken driving.

“This all just ruined my life. I’m never going to be able to work again,” Blundell told 12 News reporter Nick Bohr.

He has lost his job at the ice cream truck company. Blundell’s boss told 12 News that drivers cannot have alcohol in the trucks.

“And he stopped in front of the house, took a sip out of his can and threw it into the yard. At that moment, I got mad at that. I just thought he shouldn’t litter in someone’s yard, so I called the police station at that point,” said Denell Heller, who called the police.

“I passed all their tests, and their breathalyzer is wrong,” Blundell said.

His supervisor said Blundell also lied about a 1984 sexual assault conviction.

I care as much about this as if the guy who used to host Double Dare would start his own restaurant chain. His name was Mark something? Mark Sommers? Is that it? I don’t want to Google it. I don’t care enough. But yeah, that’s how emotional I am about Jacko being able to go back to Neverland a free humanoid.

Did you see all those people gathered and crying and dancing because this freak probably didn’t feel and touch those little bastards in the first place and if he did what were the parents thinking letting their children go play with him...

Anyhow, I don’t know about you but I bought Thriller when I was in like fifth grade on the same day I made my Mom buy me a hamster. That hamster ended up being a lot cooler than Michael Jackson.

I miss my hamster. We named him Shakespeare. He was brown and cute and had big ass balls. Huge rodent testicles that would have made a female hamster say, “Dude, your fucking balls are huge!”

I’d like my hamster to be alive today because he was certainly better than PYT and Beat It and that song with the Beatle who was cute but not as talented as John.

Great. Michael got off but he won’t be able to write another good album and he doesn’t care a goddamn about you. He doesn’t. It’s like that speech in Bronx Tale about Mantle and the Yankees.

That’s all I got. Have some jesus juice tonight Jacko. Guess you’ve earned it.

In case you missed the first show, our good friend Liam is doing it again. He’s bringing his comic-stylings to the Acme stage once again on June 28th so mark your calendars. This show is NOT family friendly. As a matter of fact Liam gets a 3 year old drunk in one of the short films.

Also, if you come to this show you will see two blow-up dolls fucking. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Here’s the flyer for reservations and stuff.

MAN CHARGED WITH STEALING NEIGHBOR’S PANTIES

WARREN, Mich. – A Warren man was charged with breaking into a neighbor’s home and stealing some of her panties, Local 4 reported.

Raymond Anthony Sylvester, 40, was arraigned in Warren District Court Monday morning on charges of home invasion, stalking and receiving stolen property.

Police said Sylvester, who lives at the Mound Manor apartments on Mound Road in Warren, was caught in a neighbor’s apartment.

The woman told police she came home Sunday and went into her bedroom to find Sylvester sitting on her bed, wearing only boxer shorts. Sylvester fled the apartment out a window, police said.

The woman recognized the suspect and later identified him to officers who responded to the scene.

Sylvester was taken into custody. Police executed a search warrant on his apartment and recovered several pairs of women’s panties, including some that belonged to the neighbor, the station reported.

Police are working to determine if Sylvester broke into other apartments in the complex.

Sylvester is being held on a $20,000 bond.

What the fuck is that? And did we have this last year?
Possibly I was looking so forward to the USC game, all
other bowls became a blur.

I am going to protest this one, infavor for the:

The Golden Arches Fruit Buzz Bowl

or

The Golden Shower Bowl

Either one I wouldn’t watch (well, maybe the golden
shower bowl, but only for a few mins.)

Fuck,
Bye

Naked ‘Tickler’ Targeting Sleeping Elderly Women

Investigators in New Smyrna Beach, Fla., are warning homeowners about a naked man who has broken into at least seven homes and tickled sleeping elderly women with a feather or fingers, police told Local 6 News.

“This is truly a bizarre case,” Local 6 News reporter Tarik Minor said. “A naked man is breaking into elderly women’s homes, hiding at the foot of their beds, pulling back their covers and tickling their feet and running away.”

Police said a man with a pony tail broke into two homes in the Sea Woods community this week between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m.

One of the victims, a 73-year-old woman, said the naked man tickled her toes and then ran out of the house.

“This is truly a bizarre case,” Local 6 News reporter Tarik Minor said. “A naked man is breaking into elderly women’s homes, hiding at the foot of their beds, pulling back their covers and tickling their feet and running away.”

Police are worried that the man is enjoying the shock value factor of tickling the elderly women and will continue the attacks.

“It’s terribly shocking,” neighbor Mary Oliver said. “I think about it and a couple of times I woke up and couldn’t help looking down to the foot of the bed and wondering if somebody is there ready to play with my toes. It’s funny but it’s not funny.”

Investigators believe the tickler lives in New Smyrna Beach but they do not have a good description of the man.

The same man is suspected of breaking into homes last summer and tickling elderly women, according to the report.

Police are warning residents to be alert and take precautions to secure windows and doors.

You gotta sleep sometime, pissboy! And then you’re all mine!

thoughts/ observations I had walking from the parking lot
to work (yes, it is a long walk...and yes, it is hot today).

1. just because a lady is dressed in a short pink, shiny skirt,
doesn’t mean she’s a hooker...or female.

2. god dammit my pants are tight. stop the hotdog diet.

3. why do retards make me smile?

4. would midgit porn be funny? yes.

5. (an extention of 3) I wish could have gone to this year’s
special olympics, or have been in it.

6. god you’re hot...why won’t you look at me?

7. is that carnival music? that’s creepy.

8. ah, she’s not that ugly. I would.

9. how do you eat fuzzy fruit?

10. why does it smell like ass down here?

Beware Of Making False 911 Calls; Police Make Arrest

HONOLULU – For the first time, under a new state law, police arrested a Honolulu man for abusing the 911 system.

Kurt Nelson, 53, called 911 nearly 40 times between July 3 and July 11, rambling incoherently and tying up emergency lines, police said.
***********

I wonder what information Kurt was trying to give them? I wonder what disorder causes this because a few months ago some guy in Florida dialed 911 over nine hundred times and did bad celebrity impressions that he eventually blamed on his pet bird.

If you click the link and watch the streaming video check out Kurt’s picture.

Every once in a while somebody gets what’s coming to them. This could be one of those times. However I think the dems are going to be soft and fall short of sending Kowboy Karl back to the Lone Star State. Let’s see what happens!

Then hurry and go read the horoscopes I wrote HERE. Keep scrolling down until you see them.

JONATHAN WINN Jonathan Winn was raised in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and moved to Ohio to attend Cedarville University to study international business and Bible education, where he graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree in 2000. He served as worship director at Grace Baptist Church in Troy, Ohio, before transitioning into the senior high ministry staff position at Maranatha Bible Church. Pastor Winn, along with his team of adult leaders, desires to see high school students be radically changed by God and totally committed to God so that they in turn will be able to reach the generation to come (Psalm 78:6). Jonathan is married to his wife, Krista.

...it’s a lifestyle.

This is only slightly less scary than that cornholed butthole post a few days ago. Only slightly less.

This confirms one of my biggest fears that I will always be a pig.

This guy is 92 years old, a doctor, and is caught getting freaky with a younger woman in a bathroom at a nursing home. Oh yeah, and she’s retarded.

Yet still, I salute you Mr. Napolean.

link

And in other news, “Coporate Corner.”

Have you ever stopped to think how much the corporate world mimics
elementary school? I have, and this is why...

corporate/elementary:

public bus stop/yellow and short bus stop.
retards eating first then serving food/retards eating first then throwing food.
smoke break area/recess.
timecards/class bells.
lower levels/slow classes.
team leads/teachers.
managers/principals.
mailroom/mailroom.
mexicans/janitors.
habitat for humanity/icecream socials.
firedrills/firedrills.
vacation time/teacher conferences.
old, ugly nurse/hot, young nurse.
you’re late and driving/you’re late riding your bike.

We could have taken the easy way out, and stopped at 6th grade.

To a new and exciting year in Planetric! Where all the white women at...

What’s a lot of fun is spending an entire weekend in Salt Lake City shooting a scene in a horror film and never knowing what time it is other than time to drink or act like an angry ranch hand who’s going to be killed. I have nothing bad to say about the experience or the city. It’s sort of a quiet town and you can walk places.

I read a local paper one morning and came across our Man of the Week.



Oh yes. That’s really the photo he gave to the press. This gentleman is the president of a couple of companies and apparently has strong religious convictions.

Please follow the link to read what our Man of the Week has to say. Especially about a former female employee. It’s good to be the King.

but I do feel it my duty to dispel myths surrounding my culture whenever possible. True, many Asians have small penises–mostly the men. Although there is reason for that sterotype, there are also exceptions, as I recently proved to the Bulgarian woman pictured here.

Admittedly, I am a ‘grower’, not a ‘show-er’. But, as even Ric will attest, Filipinos aren’t called the “niggers of the orient” for nothing. Happy Anniversary, Planet Ric!

we hoped we could parlay our self-abuse into something worthwhile. If you don’t like it, suck my balls: Alcotourism

Hey, remember that guy who got his face, hands and nuts bitten off in a chimp attack?

He’s Home!

And if any animal ever does the same to me, please just overdose me in my hospital bed and then videotape my remains being fed to alligators.

On any given night you will still be able to go and see a Cure knock-off band spit blood on the first two rows!

I Heart NY

A fresh email from a fresh source:

Following are the opening dates and markets that are CONFIRMED for Dead
and Breakfast:

AUGUST 19
Dayton, OH
Royal Oak, MI
Boston, MA

AUGUST 26
Antioch, TN
Grand Rapids, MI
Sacramento, CA
San Francisco, CA

AUGUST 26
Portland, OR

SEPTEMBER 2
Hamilton, OH

SEPTEMBER 2
Pittsburgh, PA

Following are the opening dates and markets that are PENDING
confirmation

AUGUST 19
Des Moines, IA
Tyler, TX
Abilene, TX
Savannah, GA
Fort Collins, CO
Colorado Springs, CO
Indianapolis, IN

AUGUST 26
Lexington, KY
Salt Lake City, UT
Atlanta, GA
Minneapolis, MN
Kennewick, WA

M Bar
$5
TONIGHT - Tuesday, August 9th at 8pm
1253 N. Vine Street
doors open at 7pm for alcoholics
in the plaza at the southwest corner of Fountain and Vine
Call 323-856-0036 for reservations and shoes. shoes. shoes.

Artist’s Rendering

PANAMA CITY, Fla. - A man who got angry with his wife because she wanted to cuddle after sex when what he really wanted to do was watch sports on television was sentenced to death for killing her with a claw hammer.

Christopher Offord, 30, was sentenced Wednesday by Circuit Judge Dedee Costello, who said the brutality of the crime outweighed any mental problems Offord may have had.

“The defendant struck his wife approximately 70 individual blows after spending a happy interlude with her,” the judge said. “Her desire to cuddle after sex does not justify the extremely violent, brutal response of the defendant.”

Offord pleaded guilty to first-degree murder in the 2004 slaying of Dana Noser, 40, at his apartment.

He confessed to a bartender at a sports bar before his arrest. He told investigators that his wife had been nagging him to come back to bed.

FULL STORY

This place has the only bathroom that ever scared the piss back up inside of me. This is a place where any and everybody in Rock has ever played. This is a place where my every imagined big gig took place.

And now some assholes want it gone.

This is a one of those stories that ranks up there with that book about however many people you’ll meet in Heaven and any movie that contains the song “What a Wonderful World”. So if you get choked up at that contrived BS then you’ll dislike what I wrote below:

How do these stories make national news? There are two hurricanes that wiped out the majority of the south coast, yet I can feel better about life because some hick family got a visit from a coach who let their dying kid call a play in a football game?

You know how the story ends? The poor kid dies before the game is ever played. Yet his last wish, a pass right, got Notre Dame a thirteen yard gain. I would have faked the reverse.

thought: because the adjacent bathroom is the ladies, and I can hear flushing behind me as I am taking care of business, I have often wondered the look on their face as I unleash holy hell. I know they can hear.

question: is it childish to wait for someone to innocently open the bathroom door to leave, and then I unleash holy hell? try it, and you tell me that you can without laughing your ass off.

I had my troubles with underage drinking, but this family seems to take everything to new levels of stupidity.

Yet another Bush is "drink-drank-drunked" in Austin. Hook Em Horns!


I’m With Jeb

From the Good Ol' AP:

John Ellis Bush, 21, was arrested by agents of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission at 2:30 a.m. on a corner of Austin’s Sixth Street bar district, said commission spokesman Roger Wade.

The nephew of President Bush was released on $2,500 bond for the resisting arrest charge, and on a personal recognizance bond for the public intoxication charge, officials said.

Click and learn


George Bush Don’t Like Black People

This is an email I got today from an actress who is also in the film...Ed


****************

Hey All,
Im writing to let you guys know that DEAD AND
BREAKFAST, the movie I worked so hard on a couple of
years ago, is finally out on VIDEO!!!! Woo wooo!
So those of you who have not seen it, I would love
love love it if you would go out and buy it, invite
your friends over (perfect for a Halloween-esque
party, and watch it). And those of you who have seen
it.... Go out and buy it for your Grandparents! no...
that wouldn’t be good... well go out and by it and
keep it in your personal DVD collection and watch it
over and over and over so much that you can sing all
the zombie songs and mouth the words that my kooky
character Lisa Belmont says.
In any case, I’d love ya'll’s support! you can buy it
on Amazon.com or ask your friendly video store if they
have it.
Thanks
hugs

AUSTELL, Georgia (AP) – A trainee at a state law enforcement academy was accidentally shot and killed by her instructor Tuesday during a classroom exercise, authorities said.

The police trainee was among about 30 students in the seventh week of a state-mandated 10-week training course at the North Central Georgia Law Enforcement Academy.

The recruit was not identified pending notification of relatives. Details of the accident also were not released Tuesday night.

Cobb County Police spokesman Dana Pierce said the veteran instructor was “very traumatized” and had to seek medical attention.

Veteran Instructor

The academy is one of 10 regional training centers for law enforcement officers in Georgia.

Dear Planet,
Would you please tell us what this alternate ending might be? They all live? Rosa Parks refuses to share her lifeboat with any white children? Final fantastic cumshot from Poseidon? Help!

"We live with this smell," said Sharen Gravelle, who at times broke down in tears.

Please see the below article and have a nice Monday. If you’re feeling proactive please email the link to all your Right To Life pals. And NEVER COOK ALONE. Ric
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CLEVELAND, Ohio (AP) – The father suspected of keeping some of 11 special-needs adopted children in cages says he confined them only to keep them safe and showed off damage to his home he says they caused.

“I felt terrible about it,” Michael Gravelle told a reporter and photographer for The Plain Dealer during a tour of his home Sunday. “But it’s necessary.”

The children were removed from the home last month and sent to foster homes while the adoptions are investigated. The parents have not been charged, and custody hearings are scheduled in the widely publicized case.

The couple previously has not let reporters into their home, about 60 miles southwest of Cleveland near Wakeman. Michael Gravelle said he was tired of his wife, Sharen, being labeled “world’s most evil mother.”

The Gravelles say they were adopting children nobody else wanted, who had problems such as fetal alcohol syndrome, autism, HIV and pica, an eating disorder that causes children to eat dirt and rocks.

The enclosures where the children slept are about 6 feet in length. The doors could be opened easily and had no locks on them, but a battery-powered alarm would go off when the doors opened, the newspaper said.

They were used as sleeping quarters to prevent the children from hurting themselves with glass or eating medicines, Michael Gravelle said. Every cupboard and shelf was covered with chicken wire for the same reason, he said.

“If you can call these cages, take me to jail right now,” Michael Gravelle said. “Right now.”

The couple pointed out holes where they said the children had kicked in the walls and gouges in the drywall from their fingernails. Baseboards were soaked with urine stains, and the walls still show marks where the children had smeared their feces.

“We live with this smell,” said Sharen Gravelle, who at times broke down in tears. “We love these children.”

Prosecutor Russ Leffler alleges that the Gravelles were adopting the children for financial gain. Records show they received $4,265 monthly in adoption subsidies and disability payments when they had eight children in 2001.

“You could not pay me enough to do the things we had to do,” Michael Gravelle said. “There is nothing easy about raising these children. We did not abuse them. That’s the truth.”

The couple’s lawer, David Sherman, was not aware of Sunday’s tour, the newspaper said.

Spielberg’s Holocaust Archive In USC

Spielberg’s Secret Project: 3-D without the annoying glasses

Last week I unfortunately caught the end of the show (unfortunately catching any of it) and it pissed me off.

So they stumbled down the stairs as they had to show off their “walk.” Some looked good, hell even the ones that stumbled looked good. Who cares really, hotties walking, jumping, stumbling or two-stepping down the damn stairs, they’re hot, I’ll watch.

What got me is you, the judge. You’re giving advice on how to walk “model” and you don’t even have any eyebrows. Why would I give a goddamn what you think? You don’t even like women.

My other “fav” is that old, creepy dragon looking bitch. You give beauty advice to models? Yeah right. Finally this season they caked you so full of makeup to be somewhat, SOMEWHAT, tolerable to appear on TV. You Hack. Go hit the sauce.

Male Judge: "I don’t like it, you look angry in that picture...grrrrrrrrr
[followed by you miming the universal sign for animal claws]"
Me at the TV: "You dumbshit, you wouldn’t know beauty if it
attacked you from behind sporting leather head-gear."

Get these idiots off the air, and let real men judge! It would be one episode, with one conclusion, “You’re all hot, now walk around in a circle for us. Please tune in next season. Thanks for watching. Gotta run.”

Last night a few select gentlemen went to an establishment and discussed current events. In an effort to enlarge the group and attract outside resources of the female persuasion Mr. Sullivan trumped everyone involved with this creative missive dispatched to a young lady in a corner booth.

If you click over to my “videos” page on the Planet I posted Gay Son and Dork Street. And the link on the front page sends you over to Channel 101 where you can see Action Plant Rescue Squad.

These videos were sketches in our pilot that we sent to the New York TV Festival which I haven’t heard anything about since it happened. I know we didn’t make it in so I stopped paying any and all attention to the east coast. I’ll get over it. Really. I’ll be fine. Just because she doesn’t call and I still don’t understand how it fell apart...so enjoy the videos if you haven’t seen them.

And did you see the end of the SC - Notre Dame game?

Although there is no such thing as the Mafia, we can safely assume there are such things as bad dairy salesmen....

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NEW YORK - A reputed mobster facing a five-year prison term in a waterfront corruption case disappeared in the middle of his trial, prompting speculation that he had instead received a Mafia-imposed death penalty.

“I do not consider my client’s absence to be a voluntary one,” defense attorney Martin Schmukler said in federal court Wednesday after Lawrence Ricci failed to show for the second day in a row.

Ricci, a 60-year-old alleged capo in the Genovese crime family, went on trial Sept. 20 in Brooklyn. He was free on $500,000 bail.

Ricci, who lists his occupation as a dairy salesman, was charged with two officials of the International Longshoreman’s Association with extortion and fraud in connection with mob domination of the New York waterfront.


Larry “The Cow” Ricci

“We are looking for him,” said
FBI spokesman Matt Bertrand. “We still haven’t arrested him, or have him in our sights yet.”

There is one month left in 2005, but I don’t think this can be topped. It’s from my home state which fills me with badger pride. Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present the Man of the Year.

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Man who stored dead mother in freezer sentenced to seven years

LA CROSSE, Wis. - A disturbed recluse who kept his dead mother in his freezer and shot at his neighbors when they came to his door was sentenced to seven years in prison on Monday, a court official said.


Phil “The Thrill” Schuth

Philip Schuth, 53, also was sentenced in La Crosse County Circuit Court to 10 years of extended supervision for second-degree attempted intentional homicide and two counts of first-degree reckless endangerment.

Schuth was ordered to concurrently serve five years in prison and five years of extended supervision for concealment of a corpse.

La Crosse County District Attorney Scott Horne, who requested an eight-year jail term, said he was satisfied with the sentence. The maximum sentence was 80 years, but Horne said Schuth’s “psychological deficits” played a role in the crimes.

“Obviously it’s a very serious crime, on the other hand, he had some unique issues in his upbringing that contributed to it which are probably treatable,” Horne said, referring to Schuth’s isolated childhood and hermit-like existence as an adult.

“We all learned how to deal with minor conflicts because we’re taught and brought up to do that,” Horne said. “He wasn’t.”

Schuth was arrested April 23 after an all-night standoff with police at his house on French Island, which lies in the Mississippi River just outside La Crosse. The standoff began when Schuth shot at Randy and Melissa Russell and their 10-year-old son Josh after they came onto his property to confront him about whether he had hit the boy.

During negotiations with police, Schuth said he had his dead mother in a chest freezer in the basement. Officers found her encased in a block of ice in the freezer.

Schuth told investigators Edith Schuth died of natural causes in August 2000. An autopsy confirmed his story. Schuth, who never had held a real job, said he hid her death because he wanted to keep collecting her Social Security checks and he feared authorities would somehow blame him.

Schuth read from a statement Monday in which he apologized to Randy Russell, who was hit three times in the shooting, and the Russell family.

He also made a bizarre apology to actress Jennifer Garner and her husband, “Daredevil” co-star Ben Affleck. Schuth has earlier admitted to fantasizing about being married to Garner, star of the ABC series “Alias.”

“I apologize to Jennifer Garner and her pool boy Ben Affleck for involving them in my fantasies,” he said.

Schuth’s attorney, public defender Thomas Locante, told the court Schuth’s upbringing played a major role in the incident.

“This case was sad, strange and unique,” he said.

Scratch this off the list of things I wanted to accomplish before anyone else. If I had my own show this would send me into retirement because it’s like winning the sense of humor world series. You can’t do any better.
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ASTANA, Kazakhstan (Reuters) – Kazakhstan’s Foreign Ministry threatened legal action Monday against a British comedian who wins laughs by portraying the central Asian state as a country populated by drunks who enjoy cow-punching as a sport.

Sacha Baron Cohen, who portrays a spoof Kazakh television presenter Borat in his “Da Ali G Show,” has won fame ridiculing Kazakhstan, the world’s ninth largest country yet still little known to many in the West, on British and U.S. channels.

Cohen appears to have drawn official Kazakh ire after he hosted the annual MTV Europe Music Awards show in Lisbon earlier this month as Borat, who arrived in an Air Kazakh propeller plane controlled by a one-eyed pilot clutching a vodka bottle.

“We do not rule out that Mr. Cohen is serving someone’s political order designed to present Kazakhstan and its people in a derogatory way,” Kazakh Foreign Ministry spokesman Yerzhan Ashykbayev told a news briefing.

“We reserve the right to any legal action to prevent new pranks of the kind.” He declined to elaborate.

In what will no doubt go down in history as the trial of the century Letterman’s legal eagles proved you can’t be a judge with a sense of humor in New Mexico. Imagine Judge Sanchez' quiet delight as local favorite Colleen Nestler appeared in court - once again representing herself - and provided the following information:

Responding to a question from the judge, Nestler said she had no proof of the allegations she had made against Letterman.

She also said that if Letterman or any of his representatives came near her, “I will break their legs” and establish proof of her allegations.

Nestler said after the court hearing that “I have achieved my purpose. The public knows that this man cannot come near me.”

She also said that her comment about breaking legs “is not a threat.”

“I appealed to the court for a restraining order to keep this man away from me, but now that’s been denied me,” she said. “He has access to me. He can actually come for me or send people. He has many accomplices. I know this sounds crazy. I was crazy to have listened to him in the beginning.”
***********

I just don’t want this to end! Mostly because Colleen is correct. Breaking legs is not a threat. Just ask the Sicilian side of my family. Of course cases like this wastes court time but have any of you guys read about Anna Nicole Smith’s deal and our genius president?

Maybe I’ve been a little angry lately, but it’s only because I have to wait 2 more weeks until the Bachelor in Paris.

You know I can’t get enough of “crazy” especially during the holidays. This woman obviously takes her orders from the talking walnut.

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SANTA FE, N.M. - Attorneys for television talk show host David Letterman want a judge to quash a restraining order granted to a Sante Fe woman who contends the celebrity used code words to show that he wanted to marry her and train her as his co-host.

A state judge granted a temporary restraining order to Colleen Nestler, who alleged in a request filed last Thursday that Letterman has forced her to go bankrupt and caused her “mental cruelty” and “sleep deprivation” since May 1994.

Nestler requested that Letterman, who tapes his show in New York, stay at least three yards away and not “think of me, and release me from his mental harassment and hammering.”

Attorneys for Letterman, in a motion filed Tuesday, contend the order is without merit and asked state District Judge Daniel Sanchez to quash it.

Nestler told The Associated Press by telephone Wednesday that she had no comment pending her request for a permanent restraining order “and I pray to God I get it.”

Nestler’s application for a restraining order was accompanied by a six-page typed letter in which she said Letterman used code words, gestures and “eye expressions” to convey his desires for her.

She said he asked her to be his wife during a televised “teaser” for his show by saying, “Marry me, Oprah.” Her letter said Oprah was the first of many code names for her, and that the coded vocabulary increased and changed with time.

*******************

Shame on Dave. I would have written her a four page apology letter on paper plates and included a AAA battery so the dandelions would call a truce.

TOPEKA, KANSAS—The congregation of the Westboro Baptist Church got a rude awakening today from members of The Skeptics Society, who handed out anti-Santa leaflets to children at a “God hates fags” rally on church grounds.

The leaflet purportedly detailed a massive conspiracy to convince all Christian children of the existence of a “magic elf” named Kris Kringle, often referred to as “St. Nicholas” or “Santa Claus,” who allegedly enters the homes of children on an annual basis, distributing “elf-made” gifts which bear a surprising resemblance to the Chinese-made plastic gewgaws available in the toy section of every Wal-Mart in the country. The leaflet reveals that the actual Kringle died in the 4th century in Byzantine Lycia (modern Turkey), and that all Christmas gifts since that time have actually been supplied by Christian parents in the name of the perished saint.

“This is a bunch of faggot bullshit,” said parishioner Gill Phelps, cousin of the controversial pastor Fred Phelps. “The secularist commie faggot pinko democrats are trying to prevent us from exercising our God-given right to lie to our children. First it’s Santa, and then what? The Easter Bunny? The Tooth Fairy? Ronald Reagan? Jesus Christ? I mean, without these fictional characters, who is going to teach our children morality?”

Skeptics society member, Bill (The Science Guy) Nye counters with the following impassioned polemic:

“There is no evidence that Ronald Reagan ever existed. I can prove with simple algerbra that Ronald Reagan was simply a character in the failed 1950s feature film, Bedtime for Bonzo. Any suggestion that Ronald Reagan was actually the president of the United States between 1980 and 1988 is pure speculation. It was clear when Ronald Reagan was elected the president of the Screen Actor’s Guild in 1942, that he was nothing but a figment of Lew Wasserman’s imagination."

While the Skeptics Society pamphlet did cause a stir among Phelps' adult parishioners, there was little reaction among the 4-18 year-old demographic—mostly because none of them has been taught to read. The parishoners blame this academic failing on the Topeka-area teachers' union, but the Skeptics Society alleges that it may have something to do with the fact that everyone in Topeka shares the same last name: Phelps.

In time for the holidays you can buy some cool shirts and do more for New Orleans than our government. My friend Patrick set this up while looking for a new home that wasn’t underwater.

Click To See The Goods And Save A City

They are moving all the temps to one floor. kidding. Monday I do move though, and have taken advantage of clearing my one drawer filled with extra hot sauce packets, 2 pens and a file folder of shit from the last person that used the station for, well, the last 3.5 hours.

Taking the elevator down to three to place my belongings in the new cube, I realize, shit, the mailroom people are on this floor, don’t touch any of the door handles. Not that bad, but you do hear some audible growling and yelping once inawhile.

As I am finding my keys to the new drawer a girl appears and says, “hi I am Crystal, that was where I sat.” "Oh fuck," I said (no not really). I said, “Well, hi Crystal thank you for the welcome.” I continue on emptying my items in the drawer and she asks, “so what are you doing this weekend?”

I said, “Well, I don’t know yet. Maybe the zoo. You want to go to the Zoo with me, I hear retards like the Zoo.”

Happy Furday.

Please tell me this douche bag’s minutes are up? James Frey went on Oprah to apologize and GET SERVED, GIRL!

She makes him tell her audience (mostly out of work and retired women with self esteem issues) that he lied. And he does. So that makes everything ok with God. Now James can move back in with his Mom and write a third-rate screenplay “loosely” based on Confederacy of Dunces.

If you bother to check out the link you will be happy to see that a couple days ago Oprah gave a big thumbs up to a book we were required to read in 8th grade. And it was 8th grade, public school, non-advanced English class.
Somewhere Ms. Arbor is eating lobster and shaking her head.

This was in the LA Times today. If I hadn’t listened to Rush so much growing up I wouldn’t care. But I DID listen to Rush. A lot. So I’m a dork and this dork is re-printing the article because when I was in band it was cool to be in band!
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Once upon a time, giants thundered across the land: Moon, Bonham, Baker, Palmer. These sweaty and indifferently groomed young men gave the world that curious and hard-to-love artifact of rock, the drum solo.

Won’t somebody please hold up a flaming lighter?

For a couple of decades—from, say, 1967, the release of the first Vanilla Fudge album with Carmine Appice on skins, to the break-up of the Police, when drummer Stewart Copeland and Sting could at last no longer stand the sight of each other—the drum solo was a reliable part of arena rock’s audio furniture.

And I was there. Nazareth. Black Sabbath. Pink Floyd. Yes. Emerson Lake and Palmer. Blue Oyster Cult. Aerosmith. Queen. The Who. Jethro Tull. I’m one of those few survivors who saw Led Zeppelin in concert—how quaint that sounds now—and heard John Bonham play the furious and fundamental “Moby Dick,” with its phase-shifted tympani, tom-toms played barehanded like Indian tabla, machine-gun triplets and cymbals hissing like lava pouring into the sea.

It’s been 25 years since Bonham’s tragically clichéd drummer’s death—choking on his own vomit during an alcoholic blackout—and while he is sorely missed, the same can’t be said of the drum solo per se. Somewhere along the way, the drum solo became a rock-and-roll punch line of the “More cowbell!” variety. Among the top concert draws of 2005, the Rolling Stones didn’t break stride to give Charlie Watts—an exceptional jazz drummer when not propping up Mick and the lads—a 20-minute showcase; neither did U2 step aside for an intimate moment with drummer Larry Mullen Jr., because if they did, well, just think of the crush at the snack bar.

The passing of rock drum solos was so unlamented that I might have missed it but for a new DVD by Neil Peart called “Anatomy of a Drum Solo.” Peart is the drummer/percussionist for the arena rock institution Rush and is widely considered the greatest living rock drummer. By my calculation, Peart is also the most prolific drum soloist ever. In its astounding 31-year history with its original lineup, Rush has spent more time on the road than the Roman army, and there was always, always a drum solo in the show. At least there was the five times I saw them.So I called Neil Peart to ask: What happened to the drum solo?

“Rock drummers killed the solo themselves,” Peart tells me when we meet at a coffee shop in Santa Monica. “It got to be so predictable and manipulative. They cheapened it by making it a clap-along or a boring ramble.”

Oh yeah. Few things in music are so grating as a long, thrashing drum solo by some sweaty dude working his way around the trap kit (Tommy Lee, are you listening?). The trouble is, it was always so. One of the sacred texts of solo drumming is Ron Bushy’s notoriously flatulent 2 1/2-minute tumble on Iron Butterfly’s 1968 monster hit “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.”

“Even as a kid I hated that song,” says Peart. “It was the anti-drum solo. There was no technique, no musicality, no dynamics at all.”

If you owned this album, that’s not incense you’re smelling, it’s shame.

Peart’s larger point is that the rock drum solo, which emerged out of an honorable tradition of showmanship set by big band players such as Gene Krupa and Buddy Rich, rapidly descended into musical cynicism. Partly at fault was the economics of the arena itself. When rock bands started selling out 10,000-seat coliseums in one town after another, any sense of intimacy—or rock’s rebellion—was swallowed by the vacancy of the venue itself. The drum solo became part of a repertoire of arena-rock tricks to pull huge and disconnected audiences into the show.

“Asking the audience to clap along can be part of a really sincere desire to include the audience in the music or the performance,” says Peart, “or it can be just like pressing a button. It can be a beautiful thing or an ugly thing.”

So what started out as a virtuoso exploration of an instrument’s solo potential became, almost immediately, rock’s 7th-inning stretch.

The other big problem with drum solos? The audience. It became clear to me after watching Peart’s explanatory DVD that civilians—which is to say non-drummers—don’t really understand what they’re hearing. In one section of Peart’s “Der Trommler” solo, he keeps waltz time, 3/4 rhythm (PA-tah-tah, PA-tah-tah) with his feet, while playing lightning-fast 6/8 and 7/8 drum fills across his other drums. In terms of physical coordination, this is something like playing badminton with two rackets while typing with your feet. But if you hadn’t been enlightened, you might think it just sounds like billiard balls in a dryer.

Peart amiably disagrees, wincing at the suggestion that the audience somehow just doesn’t get it. “Drumming shouldn’t be something you need an education to appreciate.” After all, he says, “You can’t blame the audience for everything.”

Today marks the 30th anniversary of the birth of Emma Lee Bunton. Bunton is best remembered as Baby Spic from the best-selling girl group of all time, the Spic Girls. Also born on this day in 1973 are Richard Eugenio Barbera and Thomas Buttercunt Ramsden, the real-life heroes on whom ‘Brokeback Mountain II: A Fistful of Turtle’ is based.

Let me see if I’m getting this straight: An asshole who wants to be a celebrity writes a fake book about his battles with drug addiction and gets caught. He then goes on Larry King with his Mommy - WITH HIS MOMMY - and hardly seems sorry at all except for himself because he got found out. Then even Oprah doesn't get mad at this prick when she calls in - I guess because he’s touched the hearts of so many women with self-esteem issues who read.

Now the U.S. Ski and Snowboard Association is appalled at comments from a champion athlete who admitted to celebrating too hard after a big win and is making him say he’s sorry for skiing drunk?

And he apologized. I hope he said he was sorry not because he meant it, but because Nike told him if he didn’t they would take away a few million dollars off his next commercial spot. In that case I would go on the air, cry, ask people to pray for me, sob uncontrollably begging forgiveness from the world's children, scream at the top of my lungs that my actions make me worse than Hitler...tell the president he's doing a good job, anything.

Please click the link and see how my buddy Justice takes his love of Nigerian scammers to a new level

I LOVE NIGERIA!

Hi there. Have you heard about the great state of South Dakota? It's the state in the middle of the country that has that rock with all the president's heads on it. It's the state that has the Badlands, mini Grand Canyons where winds come howling through the plains and remind you how powerful nature is. It's also the state with one of the poorest counties in America. Can you believe it’s not in the south? But you know, even white trash has standards compared to those unruly Native Americans. Have you ever seen what a glorified concentration camp looks like? Enjoy your next visit to the Pine Ridge Reservation.

But wait, there's more! Keeping your wife barefoot and pregnant has never been easier thanks to a concerted effort to overturn Roe V. Wade.

Please join me in congratulating South Dakota for keeping the red man and the "weaker sex" down. Hoka Hey. Ric